The Way I Are

The most difficult fight that a man ever has to fight is that against his own nature. So, no matter how hard I try, I will always tell stories with enough back-story to fully understand the setting, I will also always want to stack the played cards in a neat pile while playing card games like UNO, set my currency notes in order, rattle on and on when i’m excited – whether anyone is paying any heed to me or not…

And one of those other things that I can not change about myself no matter how much I want to, is to constantly underestimate the strength of my relationships with those I am closest to. I keep telling myself that no matter how I crumbled into those very feelings this time, I will not let that happen one more time. And yet I find myself in the same position time and again, with one of my ‘inner circle’ friends being the center of the said problem.

Today, after atleast 2 weeks of tossing and turning in my sleep (and the slumber that I would walk in for the rest of the day) I know I will be at peace. All these days, I couldn’t help but go over every single thing that I had said or done to have possibly irked G to an extent where (according to all the ‘logical conclusions’ drawn up in my brain) things between us had really gone downhill.

With G going through radical changes in her social structure in the past couple of months and me not having spoken to her for more than a cumulative 4 minutes in the past month, it really didn’t take much for me to be uneasy about the situation. But as it turns out, things were just a lot more hectic on her end than I had anticipated. As I was about to wrap up for the night (which drew on into the early morning hours), I wasn’t sure if it was my sleep-induced sensory misfire or if G was actually calling me (yeah well, I’m in a mood for drama if you couldn’t guess).

After an hour and a half of talking to her, I am now at peace and finally am able to let loose all the words clogging the exit tubes in my brain. See now that’s another thing that I have… at my emotional extremes, I am incapable of letting my emotions out – whether it is on this blog or through a slightly more creative medium. It’s not till I am a little more at ease and can organise my emotions a tad bit atleast, that I can write.

Anywho, I’m off for the night .. uhh morning (it’s 0815 hrs here) with a much lighter head. Am glad that all that crap about things going south with G was only in my head… But then again there actually might have been something and she must have worked it out for herself without letting me know!! (told ya i have a problem)

Clocks

I realise that I’ve never really expressed my love for Coldplay ever to you guys. Not only are they my favorite band, but almost any song of theirs just calms and soothes my nerves no matter how bad a mood I am in! And now they’ve gone on to do something that just makes me love them all the more.

As the debate over free downloadable music rages on still, with many a compromise or solution having been proposed over the past few years, Coldplay have taken a bold step. They’ve released their latest ‘album’ Left Right Left Right Left for free and it’s up for grabs on their site. And though its really not got any new songs on it, being a concert album of their current tour, it is still an admirable step that they’ve taken.

And don’t get me wrong. I am as much for all artists getting their right dues as much as I am for us as fans not having to pay ridiculous amounts for their music. But I love the fact that when they could have made so much more money by releasing this as a commercial album, they instead chose to thank their fans by releasing this for free!

so go ahead and download their album now.

Exhausted

I’ve come back from a week long trip to my ancestral home and i am SO pooped that i don’t think i’m waking up tomorrow! But anywho, couldn’t get myself to sleep before checking up on my net world. Realized that I gotta get a lot of things in my life (not jst the online one..) in order and I really gotta get my ass on it!

oh and a little bit of stats i figured while having an oh-soo-refreshing shower …

45 mangoes | 7 days | 4 pounds | 2.5 cms

crooked smiles

Over the past week or so I’ve taken up the much procrastinated task of sorting my music folder. And as I’ve been playing my entire folder, to sort out those songs that i want to keep in the ‘current’ folder, every now and then there’s a song that gets me thinking. You know, the whole time portal bit.. then there are songs which i realize I never really gave much thought to, but I love now, and then there are those that I rediscover my love for. So after nearly 3-4 months of being bored of music altogether, I have finally rediscovered my love for it thanks to this arduous task.

And then right now, there was a song that only after the first verse caught my ear.. and I couldn’t believe how amazingly it captured my thougts from another time. And i’m not even exaggerating here.. but every single line of this song reminded me of this phase post my break up with K, where I was a little less bitter and little more sad. As the song kept playing, I couldn’t help but smile and strangely (and thankfully) there was no sorrow or pain that those memories brought back – not this time atleast!

The song in question.. What happened to us by Hoobastank (umm does the name mean anything?)

[Verse 1]
I thought it was too good to be true
i found somebody who understands me
someone who would help me to get through
and fill an emptiness i had inside me
but you kept inside and i just denied
somethings that we should have both said
i knew it was too good to be true
’cause i’m the only one who understands me…

[Chorus]:
What happened to us?
we used to be so perfect, now we’re lost and lonely
what happened to us?
and deep inside i wonder, did i lose my only?

[Verse 2]
remember they thought we were too young
to really know what it takes to make it
but we had survived off what we have done
so we could show them all that they’re mistaken
but who could have known, the lies that would grow,
until we could see right through them
remember they knew we were too young
we still dont know what it takes to make it…

[Chorus]
What happened to us?
we used to be so perfect, now we’re lost and lonely
what happened to us?
and deep inside i wonder, did i lose my only one?

[Verse 3]
we could have made it work, we could have found a way
we shoud of have done our best to see another day
but we kept it all inside until it was too late
and now we’re both alone, the consequence we pay
for throwing it all away, for throwing it all away…

[Chorus]
What happened to us?
we used to be so perfect, now we’re lost and lonely
what happened to us?
and deep inside i wonder, did i lose my only?

What happened to us?
What happened to us?
What happened to us?
What happened to us?

lyrics are courtesy Sing365.com

Torn

Just over a month ago, I made one of the stupidest split-second decisions. hmmm maybe not, specially considering my tendency of making those! I was the goal-keeper while playing football with my friends (and some people I didn’t know) and just as my defender moved out of the way of a hurtling shot, I attempted a save with open faced palms. Yep, OUCH!!

Though it ended up being a save that could have put me on the nominee list of ‘best saves’ in a tournament, the sad part is that it was nothing but a stupid friendly match! And thanks to my heroics, I ended up suffering a ligament tear on my right wrist! And I’m living with it till date. I’ve never had a real sports injury before this – barring the gazillion bruises and scrapes – and i really don’t know how long a ligament tear takes to heal, but I must admit here that a month down the line, the appeal of having suffered my first sports injury has worn off and fear over the long-term effects are settling in.

If any of you out there know anything about recoveries from ligament tears, PLEASE tell me something.. cos the more i look up online, the more confused and scared i become. With the symptoms of the tear, I’m not even sure if its a ligament or a tendon that I’ve ruptured – even though my orthopedic says its the ligament (i’m just gonna believe him).

—

Apart from the physical pain that my wrist decides to rain down on me every other minute, my brain and heart decided to add in my heart to the list of things that needs to be repaired too. I had to make the mistake of going through my first few posts on the blog and re-open some of my wounds.

Until later..

Everything changes

I just finished watching the 8th episode of Smallville’s last season (yes i know i’m far behind) .. and for any of you who do follow it and haven’t reached there yet, this post DOES contain SPOILERS.. so shooo..

I’ve never had any doubt about the way I feel for G, C and S (K too.. but that as we know is a galore of confusion) and to what extent I’d sacrifice anything in life for them… but this episode really got me thinking. The friendship of Chloe and Clark was always something that would bring a smile to my face and there are very few fictional friendships that ever had the same effect on me. And in this episode to save Chloe from any more trouble in the future because of him, Clark makes the ultimate sacrifice (pun intended for the superman fans). When restoring Chloe’s memory, he makes sure she doesn’t remember anything about his true identity. And in the scenes that follow, it is clear that now though she might still be his best bud, they’ve lost a lot of their friendship with the selective loss of her memory.

What this got me thinking about is if I could really ever be that selfless and have the courge to alienate (to whatever extent) any of the people I really cared about, if I thought it would make their life better. Would I ever have to..? Would I be strong enough!?

Forgive and yet not forget

One of the conversations that i vividly remember having with G over a particularly stressful period in the lives of S, C, G & me was over the concept of forgiving and forgetting. And then again the same thing came up a few years ago when i was having some other issues in my life. The whole point of debate between us was what it really meant to forgive.. did it really have to be that you should forget when you forgive or is it possible to forgive and yet not forget?

As with many other things in life (I like to believe) I am more of an optimist in translating ideal situations into pragmatic ones. I firmly believe that a guy and a girl can be the best of friends.. at least as good friends if not better than any two people with the same anatomy. I also believe that it is possible to truly move on with your relationship after one of you has cheated on the other (sure i might not have completely succeeded in it when i had tried, but I sure was almost where I wanted to be!). Sure neither of these or any of the other situations are easy to achieve, but they surely are achievable.

As for the topic at hand, I think the only way to forgive someone is actually without forgetting the deed/incident. It is quite a simple thing to understand really. If you want to look at it logically, then if you are forgetting, there really is no need to forgive. No, really..

Girl: ‘Oh i’m sooo sorry honey for not doing anything special for your birthday’
Boyfriend after forgetting: ‘Umm, dint you do something? I thought you did’

There you go.. no need for forgiveness at all!

So yeah, when you’re faced with a situation when you need to forgive someone.. don’t try and forget the mistake, you know that your brain is like a kid.. the more you tell it to not do something, the more it does it! So unless you are Guy Pearce and need tattoos, don’t even try it.  And then of course what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.

yeah well.. thats all that the insomniac in me has to offer for tonight… see ya’ll later.

*in case you are wondering what prompted this topic for the post, it was far from a personal issue.. it was actually a ‘joke’ on a user-contribution site of humor that got me thinking

No Guts, No Glory

For the longest time, i’ve had only sleepyjane on my blogroll and it seemed like she was getting pretty lonely out there by herself. So now to give her company there is a blog by Kayleigh – No Guts, No Glory – go check her out!

Oh and btw, I’m now done with my Radio License examination as well! And though it started off well, i’m sure teh eventual result will see me heading back to texas or some other place for a few more hours of flying time!

of the blues and the blahs

all these days that i haven’t posted (and even between my last few posts) i’ve had so many things to post about.. many that i decided i would write as soon as i got to my laptop.. and some that even made it out of my head and onto my cell or some scrap of paper.. but never really over here.

it’s just that whenever i’m feeling an excess of emotions or just feeling blah, i can’t really write. i know they’re extremes, but when there’s too much in my head, its like i can’t get it to make sense when out of my head and nothing ever makes sense. And when i’m blah.. well meh!

–

it seems like this year is not only going to be characterized by the financial downturn in most people’s lives but also the personal ones that most people I know are going through. To begin with there’re G & C… as I had spoken bout them some time mid last year… well for both of them things are quite in the shambles right now. Not SO much for C actually. Her long-distance bf KRS came down some time in November last year and so far they were having a brilliant time, and not ever have I seen her so content with her relationship *touches wood*. And for G, things were going brilliantly with her guy MJ for quite some time… And then God had to be the mean kid with a magnifying glass and ruin things for both of them.

G finally woke up to the reality at the turn of the year that as great as things were between her and MJ, it was only in the present and that there was absolutely NO future for her in it.. for way too many reasons. And ever since, she’s been battling with the presence of MJ in her life much akin to leeches that refuse to come off your skin.

As for C, KRS is now heading back to the US.. cos things here didn’t work out quite as well as he’d hoped for. And now they’re left with dealing with the long-distance relationship all over and the question of how they’re going to make things work! AARGHHH! why GOD why? why ruin EVERY ONE’s love lives?

And as if that wasn’t enough, there’s more.. there’s my sister! She’s been married for almost 10 years now and has two kids. And off late, she’s decided that she can’t take it anymore.. not getting into details, but things really haven’t been going too well for her almost since the beginning. And now she is hell bent on getting separated if not divorced. And if her personal matters were not enough to complicate thins, divorce/separation in our society, is not really that welcome a step.

Oh well, I sure do hope that things work out well for everyone!

A quack quack here and a quack quack there

yeah, i can’t really really think of a title for this post . It’s just all a mess in my head *looks around before completing the sentence* … and my room! Well, I DID clean up a little earlier in the day, but very visibly not enough

If i try to find the underlying theme to the day, I think it was people who are a part of my past and not the present. Some of them I’m making some efforts to get back in touch with – while there are those who threaten to invade my life even though i do not want them around. There is B to begin with – he’s back in the country, and for the next week or so, in town for some stuff. But luckily, unless fate brings us together, we shouldn’t have any issues keeping our distance cos of our mutual dislike for the other.

And later in the evening, I had gone to the movies with K and a friend. There we bumped into another friend of ours from college days.. and among other things, of course we got to talking about all the people we know and what they are all up to. And then it came up – MV: another ‘friend’ from college – was heading back for India sometime in the near future. And the thing is, he’s gonna be shifting base to bbay and i’m not sure if i’ll really be able to avoid meeting him! aaaarghhh..

The deal with MV involves a lot of history with me and K. And though at one point he was a good friend, I can not bear him anymore. One of our breaks that we were on over the years, K had a thing with MV and though at that time i really didn’t make much of it, it suddenly mattered later on and I couldn’t have him around me and not want to punch him in the face. Probably the only reason I didn’t lose my cool around him was my reasoning that if I could accept K for doing all of that, then I should be able to do the same with MV right.. cos both of them were equally at fault (or not) for whatever transpired between them. And eventually after the break up, when he suddenly popped back into the scene, i realised that I was no more overlooking K’s deeds – and that meant i didn’t have to feel guilty about not liking MV either! Ah well.. i know i’ve got issues