Random thoughts, one post

A post after an eon! Yes I know I have been MIA for a while now. Though most of the gap in time has been thanks to my shifting and the lack of internet at my new apartment. But now that I do have the net, here is an update of pretty much everything that I’ve wanted to blog about in this absence.

Anyhow, seeing as how so much has been happening and not all is really cohesive, this is going to be a post with all the thoughts put together.

Tired of bipolar tendencies - Though it is a defining trait of K, here I am not talkin bout her, but rather myself. Though the past few days have been much better, its still something that I’m sure I’m going to have to deal with. I dont get why I cant just feel one thing - sadness or anger or indifference or whatever else but just all at the same end of the spectrum. Why do I have to feel one thing one minute and its complete opposite the very next?

A lot of it was brought on by FH1’s continuous involvement in K’s life and me knowing that there was still something on between them even if they didnt meet anymore or whatever. I know I have absolutely no right over what she does anymore and shit like that, but it would still get me really worked up. Here we would be having a nice day or night or whatever and suddenly I hear her phone ring or she gets a message and she becomes a little dodgy and a little off. And there would end our good time. And not because she stopped being nice after the call/msg or something (atleast in most cases). But just because I suddenly could not see beyond anything but the betrayal! And I know its really stupid and everything but still. Now I know its a difficult situation for her too, but for some reason I wasnt able to come to terms with the whole thing.

Anyhow, I think in the past couple of weeks or so, I made peace with myself over the whole situation and I believe I (will) handle it better. Hopefully I’ll be able to look beyond the whole thing.

Don’t judge a book by its cover - Ok so before I tell you what this is about, i’ll tell you a little about me. As most of my friends would agree, I am a good listener no matter what sort of problem you have. But that does not necessarily translate into being a good adviser. Quite often the advice I’d give would be something that you are bound to hear from a lot of other people too or that would be something a little more idealistic than practical.

So anyways, K had been having a hard time trying to decide what to do with her life - more like what she expects from it. And a huge part of the problem was that she was stuck doing something that she didn’t really want to. And her parents really wanted her to go ahead with the whole thing and finish up the course. So she was basically stuck in a pickle! Anyhow, sometime about 2 weeks ago, she was at another one of her frustration peaks with the whole thing, fighting with her mom about it over the phone, crying to her best friend about it and the whole deal. And of course she turned to me as well to try and find some answers to the problem (or so I thought).

The thing is, at some point, I came up with an idea which atleast according to me sounded great and would have been the perfect solution to the problem thats been plaguing her for months now. And guess what her reaction to that is! Well she shoots down the whole thing before I’ve even completed explaining it to her. Now I know that all of my ideas are not the best and some arent even practical, but even if everything I say doesnt always make sense, I still dont care much for being discarded as soon as I start speaking.

Hell, even with the worst of ideas coming from L or FH2 (or even FH1 I guess), she would still bother listening intently to them and maybe even act on them no matter how stupid they be. And it seems like it wouldnt really matter what I have to say before she even thinks twice about disregarding it completely!

Oh and at the end of it, she realised that none of her great advisers had come up with anything as good, so she did a turnaround and accepted it as the best solution!

Car Troubles - Ok so a month or so back, K and me decided that we should invest in a car since we’d be moving to a place where the public transport system is not really existent. So we ended up buying a second (or maybe even sixth) hand one from this mechanic who I had met some time back. The guy seemed pretty genuine, the car wasnt really pretty but ran decently and was in good enough condition for our needs. The guy even promised us a 90 day warranty and said he’d come by any time it needed any sort of repairs or anything. And of course it was REALLY cheap! So we went in for it and decided it would be worth stretching our very limited finances a little to get one since we needed it anyways.

So roughly a week into it, the car starts acting a little funny with the transmission and starts giving me a little trouble and I decide to call the guy about it. So he comes by and fixes it and it seems to be doing decently after that but the thing is, inspite of his ‘warranty’ he charges me for the “parts and my driving up till here and the hours I spent on it”. So I try arguing with him about how his warranty then is totally pointless since he IS charging me for everything anyways. But in the end I decide it’s ok to pay him this once and keep him content with our whole deal rather than screw it up with him completely coz honestly, i know jack about cars!

So anyways, a few days after this whole episode, the transmission starts acting funny again so I call him up again and this time the fucking bastard tells me he’s done the work and asks for payment for his ‘gas’. I refuse to pay him and he leaves in a huff. Right on his tail, I decide to test ride the car and check if it works fine or not. And guess what? The car was worse off! So basically the guy screwed me over and now refuses to even answer my calls. And now I’m stuck having to pay for the transmission repair which costs a fucking LOT of money with a new mechanic! Hoping the repairs are the last that I need to do.

The magical 3 words : I ____ You – You know there are those moments that you will never forget. There are the moments that you know will help define your relationship with someone, the things/moments that will definitely come back to you every time you are with that person. And for most of us, there are the three magical words that often get included in this list of things we’ll never forget. You remember the first time you said them to someone, you remember the time when you first really meant it, the first time someone else said them to you and probably even when you think they first really meant it.

So it happened that the other night, me and K were having a nice time at home with our roommate (yeah for the few days that we were in my aptmt we had a friend of ours in the other room) just chatting and reminiscing old times, telling ghost stories and the works. And K felt like having some wine and there was a bottle of some pinot noir at home – which she managed to finish off…

Anyhow, so after we decided to call it a night, we were in our room, changing and preparing for bed when one thing led to another and I heard THE three words – I HATE YOU!!

Yes we were fighting, yes we’ve broken up and yes things weren’t really right between us if you only scratched beneath the surface. But still, just hearing those three words was like shooting a corpse just to see it getting kicked off the ground. And the thing is, I had heard those words from her earlier in many of our fights, but what really hurt and what I couldn’t digest very easily was the menace in the way she said it and the fact that this time I know she meant it!

So apparently I am no more than an ex to her now and she doesn’t even consider me a friend – let alone one of her closest. And of course the only reason she is nice to me is because she has to be – as we are living together and things would be really inconvenient any other way.

I know its only natural to hate your ex, to not want to be around him/her, to want as much space between the two of you as much possible. But still for some reason, it really hurt when she said what she did. Is it because I’m not over her? Because I still harbor feelings for her almost as strong as I did 2-3 months back? Is it wrong to want to be best-friends even after the whole relationship falls apart right in your face?

Ah well, I’ll get over the night someday…

Moving – Well I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before over here, but both K and me had decided on changing our school to one in a different city. So we even had to leave the aptmt that we were in and take up a new place.

The actual days of moving were SO tiring and physically painful and yet fun! I actually drove one of those trucks J. And that in itself was a lot of fun. To fill it up though was such a huge pain – both physical and mental. We just about managed to get everything into it before our backs hands gave way.

And of course we couldn’t have done it or even half of what we did without the help of E – the roommate from my older aptmt. He even volunteered to drive down all the way with us while sitting on the truck cabin floor (there were only two seats)!! Thanks a LOT E!

Now that we have moved in for the past 10 days or so, the aptmt is starting to look a lot more like home. Though there still is quite some bit of work that we need to do and a few things that we still need to buy to set it up the way we want it. Hoping this house does some good for us… and the new school!

Better Days – So we’ve been here in our new city and new apartment and new school for a little over a week now. All the time uptill now, during the whole period of our planning to move here and during the actual moving days, it was nothing but anxiety. I couldn’t imagine what things would be like when we moved here… or more like I didn’t want to imagine what they would be like!

But thankfully *touches wood* things have been great between K and me. We haven’t yet had any serious fights *touches wood again* but rather quite the opposite. And I swear I will kill myself if by saying all of this I am jinxing the days that we are spending in peace together. I love K and it doesn’t matter if she’s my girlfriend or not. I don’t need to be in a romantic relationship with her for me to have that right. I love her as a friend and as a person inspite of all her flaws, inspite of all our misgivings and misunderstandings and our bitterness that I know will take time to dilute itself out of our lives. I want to see her happy and if that means not being with me but with someone else, I’ll just have to come to terms with that.

Though I do hope that she understands that its not easy for me to see her in love with someone else… specially not yet and specially not with FH1! Its just too much to go through in our given circumstances. Maybe under different conditions, I would’ve been able to handle it better but ah well… she IS being very understanding so far. Or atleast that’s what I think it is.

Thank you K for putting up with my issues… no matter who is to blame for them! Love you.

Internet – our lifeline – You know how they say ‘you never value something till its gone’ (or something like that). Well it couldn’t be more true atleast in this case. Its like we take the internet for granted now. What did we do before the online world? How did we run our lives then? Banking, communication, information, entertainment and pretty much everything we do in our lives!!

Damn I’ve missed the net. Since K and me moved into this aptmt, we haven’t had the internet uptil today. There was no unsecured network that we could log on to and the ISP that we contacted didn’t have any time for us till yesterday to set up the net. And even that, we ended up having troubles with till I finally got my lazy arse (do I love the british accent or what J) to solving the problem myself.

Till yesterday, K and me would take the car to the center of our apartment complex and sit there in the car till our (fully charged) laptops ran out of juice accessing the net thanks to some unsecured network! Anyhow, I’m glad that is done with and I have the net again!

until next time….

~ by Zev Nyklus on March 12, 2008.