Changes
Why is this world so dynamic? Does it add some sort of excitement to our lives, break monotony even? Why do people and their nature have to be so dynamic too? Why do you have to change as time goes by?
You know there was a time (long long back) when no matter what the case, I would apologize to K almost as soon as we had a fight. It didnt matter who was at fault, it didnt matter who started the fight, nothing mattered! I would just feel REAAALLY bad about fighting with her and I would end up apologizing and trying to make things right no matter what it took. I know its not really the best thing to do, but I’d rather have that than have the me where I look after myself before her. Even if we’ve broken up. Doesn’t really mean I get to be selfish now does it?
For the past couple of days, it just seems like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try not to, we end up fighting for atleast a few hours every day. And it doesn’t even have to be something serious or even worthy of having a fight over. We just end up fighting!
Like today for instance - it started with some stupid comment by her about some money that a friend of ours owes us and we just continued doing what we were. Then it quickly turned into a conversation of how finicky she’s become with money nowadays (and she started it even!!). Now the thing is, I understand that we are living in a country where the value of money is a lot more than our home country and that we are living with a lot more financial constraints than we would like. Having said that, I understand that it is alright to be a little more finicky about money. And just as a comment to her line, I agreed that she was and added that she aint really the best person to owe money to. And that she used to be much better with it.
Now yes its not something you’d like to hear and maybe I shouldnt have said it. And the thing is, I wouldnt have. But what prompted me was the topic was started by her! Also, in my case I think I am justified in saying that. The thing is, recently I was going through a little bit of a financial crunch. And seeing as how we live together and all, I naturally lent on her to bail me out of it till I had my money come in and so that I could pay her back then. And she did comply.
However the thing being, for some reason - for the first time in years of knowing her, I felt as if she really did mind lending me the money. That every time we went out or we thought of getting something for the new house, she would really think a lot more than she ever did in giving me the money for it - even though she knew I would pay her back asap. Maybe I just imagined all of that. Maybe the hostility was a spillover of the breakup and the rest of the stuff. Maybe I was being insensitive financially. And I hope it is one of those things. But atleast thats what I felt!
On a slightly different note, is it wrong/unusual that I feel bad when I know she is typing out all her anger and all the grudge that she holds again me on her blog where her friends and OUR friends read up on the stuff? I mean every time we have a fight, I know she puts up something on her blog and I’m too scared to check it. Even though its a public blog and she’s got the link on all her networking sites and its not like reading her diary or something, but I still dont like reading it. It started with me wanting to let her have her space online that I dont infringe upon and then once when she did sit me down to read through it, there were more reasons to not want to read it.
Some of the entries that she had were a little hurtful just because of what she thought/felt while for some I just felt bad that she put up some things which I thought were personal on a such a public place. Ah well…
Until next time…
Ohhhh this is a tough one.
It’s not wrong to feel bad about it. Because people reading her blog would think that you aren’t a nice guy. And I know you are. What I’m getting at is. You write here about her. And I don’t like her. She doesn’t sound like a person I would want to know. And I’ve never met her. For all I know, she’s a great person but from the impression I get, reading your blog I don’t think she is. See how that can go both ways? You’re not a bad guy. I think you’re too good in fact.
But people reading her blog wouldn’t neccisarily think so.
It’s completely normal to feel that way. So don’t beat yourself up about it. And taka a peek. (I wouldn’t be able to help myself)
As for the argument - you WEREN’T WRONG!!! You said what you thought and it was the truth right? Why do you have to keep your mouth shut just because you don’t want to hurt her feelings? After everything she did to you.
I’m sorry. I feel very strongly about people being taken advantage of and manipulated. I get very protective.
And I’m also sorry for writing an entry in your comments.
hahaha i appreciate the ‘entry’! And i guess you are right. Maybe i’m just blinded to my own faults. But what i feel bad about is the fact that a) Most of the people who read her blog are common friends or atleast know me personally and b) she uses the real names and hence even those who might not have known know now!
But yeah i guess you are right… i really cant complain since i do pretty much the same thing. But seriously, inspite of her flaws (which might seem like a lot on this blog) she’s really a gem of a person. And if I had the chance to either relive my time with her in exactly the same way or not to have known her at all, I wouldnt even hesitate in picking the first option.
And as for me, yeah i know i sound like this uber-nice guy. But hell its my own blog… of course i’ll sound good ;). Trust me, lots of dirty laundry on my side too. Will put up a post about that too someday.. someday when i can get to it!