The Way I Are
The most difficult fight that a man ever has to fight is that against his own nature. So, no matter how hard I try, I will always tell stories with enough back-story to fully understand the setting, I will also always want to stack the played cards in a neat pile while playing card games like UNO, set my currency notes in order, rattle on and on when i’m excited – whether anyone is paying any heed to me or not…
And one of those other things that I can not change about myself no matter how much I want to, is to constantly underestimate the strength of my relationships with those I am closest to. I keep telling myself that no matter how I crumbled into those very feelings this time, I will not let that happen one more time. And yet I find myself in the same position time and again, with one of my ‘inner circle’ friends being the center of the said problem.
Today, after atleast 2 weeks of tossing and turning in my sleep (and the slumber that I would walk in for the rest of the day) I know I will be at peace. All these days, I couldn’t help but go over every single thing that I had said or done to have possibly irked G to an extent where (according to all the ‘logical conclusions’ drawn up in my brain) things between us had really gone downhill.
With G going through radical changes in her social structure in the past couple of months and me not having spoken to her for more than a cumulative 4 minutes in the past month, it really didn’t take much for me to be uneasy about the situation. But as it turns out, things were just a lot more hectic on her end than I had anticipated. As I was about to wrap up for the night (which drew on into the early morning hours), I wasn’t sure if it was my sleep-induced sensory misfire or if G was actually calling me (yeah well, I’m in a mood for drama if you couldn’t guess).
After an hour and a half of talking to her, I am now at peace and finally am able to let loose all the words clogging the exit tubes in my brain. See now that’s another thing that I have… at my emotional extremes, I am incapable of letting my emotions out – whether it is on this blog or through a slightly more creative medium. It’s not till I am a little more at ease and can organise my emotions a tad bit atleast, that I can write.
Anywho, I’m off for the night .. uhh morning (it’s 0815 hrs here) with a much lighter head. Am glad that all that crap about things going south with G was only in my head… But then again there actually might have been something and she must have worked it out for herself without letting me know!! (told ya i have a problem)
June 29, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I love the title – they way you are. It’s a great way to be. In my opinion.
It’s either that or not give a damn at all. And I would prefer that my friends and loved ones cared enough about me to wonder if I’m okay, or at the very least make sure that our relationship gets the attention it needs to stay strong.
July 4, 2009 at 4:58 pm
as long as my fears stay only in my head and don’t transpire into reality, i’m cool with it