Vicious cycle

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a game, stuck on a particular level because I’ve failed to collect or activate some item. And the frustrating part is, I’ve tried revisiting every corner of the map and still that one item stays ever so elusive.

It’s been so long since my life has truly moved positively in any direction, that for the most part I have created a comfort zone right here in the middle of nowhere. But every now and then, something or someone comes along and shows me a ray of hope that gets taken away just as soon as I start believing that there truly might be a way out of this hellish place.

Though the above is true for both my personal and professional life, I can atleast console myself with the thought that my professional stagnancy (that’s just a euphemism for being unemployed) over the past couple of years has been mainly due to something that’s much bigger than me. Though that also leaves me feeling totally helpless at times. On the personal front though, it has reached a stage where I dont believe in myself anymore (mainly due to the employment status). I’ve already let a few opportunities slip away over the past year thanks to my all time low self esteem… and I don’t see myself doing any better any time soon.

What’s been driving me crazy since yesterday is that I see the same tell tale signs of depression that I experienced last year before diving head first into a four month bout of depression – only this time, it’s the express version off it all.

Just hoping that somehow…