I love AND hate how some songs just take you back in time and remind you of things that you might not want to. Just a while back I was going through the billboard charts to try and catch up on new music when I came across ‘Home - Blake Shelton’. Though that was the first time I heard that specific version… it reminded me of the phase where I was stuck back home without K and I used to count down the days that we were going to be apart.

Even though I was ‘home’ and I had everyone else I cared about around me, things just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t wait to get to where K was, even if that meant leaving my bestest friends behind and going to where it was going to be just K, even if it meant having to face some harsh realities.

And strangely enough, now when I can not wait to get back home, the song really doesn’t stir up the anywhere near as many emotions. Maybe it’s because I am just scared of facing everything when I go back. I know that G is not going to be around for atleast a year; I know that C too might leave some time soon for her post-grad; there’s the part where I am dreading going back because I don’t know how things are going to be with K and me; then there is also the fact that I will have to live once again with my parents AND my brother (who btw I’m not really fond of).

All I know is, as of now home is so not where the heart is!!

So yes, its been a while since I’ve posted.. a couple of months in fact. I just needed a break from all the bitching that mainly filled up the pages of this blog… and anything and everything that would induce my ramblings. So i needed something of an online getaway and the answer to that was BLEACH!

So a LOT has happened since… K’s sister was in town for nearly a month and I had the best time in Texas and for once the whole frustration and self-induced loneliness and all of that crap were completely thrown out of the window. And there’s something else that struck me while W (K’s sister) was in town… even if at the end of everything, K and me head for splitsville even as friends, I don’t want to lose W! She’s like a little sister to me and K’s part as the mediating bond was long outgrown in that relationship. And as strange as it might sound coming from someone with 3 siblings of his own, I really cherish what I have with W.. even though we might not talk as often and stuff.

Anywho, I’m so glad that W did come by here and stayed for as long as she did… those so far were the only days when I actually was not depressed or sad but infact happy in the States!

And then something better was in store…

G and C and me had been planning a trip for nearly 6 months now and till the very end, we weren’t sure if it was even going to work out or not. Eventually that plan ended up being that we should meet in Chicago with S. So that being set, the only question left for me was… how do I get there!?

Any guesses on how that ended up happening?? I FLEW TO CHICAGO!!! Yes, I mean me and K in a small little plane, flying ourselves to Chicago… How cool is that? I flew 6 hours to meet my best-friends!!! (that too on the same day we both got our Private Licenses ) Those 6 days were THE best days I’ve spent since leaving India.. and maybe even of my life!! It felt so good to meet G & C and even S.

On that note.. something else also happened during these past few months. I haven’t told too many people about what went down between K and me. Well, people do know that we’ve broken up.. but no one really knows the why and how and the details. And the only people who knew were G, C & L*. But then, the whole thing came up with S and I decided I’d let him in! Sure, I still think of him as one of my best friends.. and so does he, but the truth is, we have been living our own lives for the past year or two now and haven’t really been too close since. But honestly, I am SOO glad that I did tell him. It was just great to know that I could count on him and inspite of his initial outrage at what had happened (and also at me not telling him earlier), he quickly turned around to being really supportive!

I’m just glad that I have such great friends.. and at times I even feel I haven’t done anything to even deserve them!

*L is a friend who I haven’t really known for too long but she really is one of my closer friends as of now!

I’ve spent so many posts pointing out the shortcomings in K and how she could’ve done so much better, but seriously every now and then, I come across some bit that reminds me of the past and all I realize is that I’m even less perfect! I mean sure she takes the cake in the worst things to do to each other in terms of magnitude… but that doesn’t mean there weren’t a lot of .. no wait, a LOT of small things that I did wrong or just didn’t do them right.

I needed some snaps to put up on one of our walls and so i was just going through my files and I realised that at times i’ve been a downright ass! I wouldn’t have put up with me!!! I’m sorry K for putting you through all of the tough times throughout that crazy ‘working’ period of mine! If only I could’ve seen this all sooner…

I don’t wish to change the outcome, as much as I would love for it to, but atleast I could’ve made sure our journey till here was a lot more perfect.

Well quite a lot has been happening in my life in the past week and most of it is just another boo hoo sob story (nah not that bad). But then again, the outcome of that isn’t!

So anyways, I’ve been a little sick due to the spring coming in and I must admit I’m not the best company when I’m not feeling well. I’ve had a severe sore throat and also my asthma’s been acting up so I’ve been really cranky around the house. What that has done is given K and me another few days of fights over nothing really. It’s like the smallest of things that would otherwise go by un-challenged or for that matter never even have happened because I was in a better mood, have become reasons for our fights.

Like last night, it really snowballed into probably our biggest fight since we moved here and that too over nothing that should have been a fight. If I wasn’t feeling so miserable, I would’ve probably laughed out the whole issue right at the start and things wouldn’t have gotten so far. So what happened is…

For the past 2 days, I would wake up and before moving on with whatever else I needed to do, I would clean up the mess in the kitchen. The thing with me is, I can live with a messy (not dirty, but messy) bedroom and living room. But the kitchen - that I need it to be clean. So both of yesterday and the day before, I ended up cleaning the kitchen for like an hour or so in the morning. Then yesterday after our dinner, I realised that the kitchen had become messy again and I really got cranky over that (yeah I know it HAS to become so after we use stuff and before we clean it, but still)! And for some reason, in my sick-man-annoyed ramblings, it came out (probably) as something of a ‘you don’t help around’ or something. Now the thing is, I love cooking and specially for K. And even though she hates cooking - on a daily basis, she does help me quite some bit - even if its just chopping up stuff most of the times. And I really do appreciate that help. And I don’t have any complaints about me having to cook and blah blah blah. Though at times I have to even if I’m not really in the mood for it, that’s just 1 out of 15 times maybe. Most of the times, I really don’t mind or even love cooking for the two of us.

And then there’s the other side to it… the cleaning up! Now there are 2 things that come into play here:
a. I can’t stand the kitchen being even a tad bit dirty… which i guess is a little too much
b. It IS me who ends up using all of the vessels and most of the other stuff anyways.
So you see… I don’t think it’s that big of a deal if I have to clean up the stuff (as K hates doing it mostly) and she does do it once in a while.

Anyhow, so some part of that seemed to her like I was blaming her for not doing anything/enough. And of course there was the part where in the bedroom (where I was ranting), I again went on about how the ‘whole house is a mess and I can’t stand it’. Now the poor thing offered to help me out by cleaning up the mess in the bedroom atleast and it somehow came out to me (or atleast in my annoyed state, it sounded as) ‘but its because of you that there’s this particular mess’ (in reference to something I had promised to take care of earlier). So that is when it happened - when I snapped at her with incorrigible words (atleast in me head!) and some part of that apparently was the ‘you don’t help around’ bit!

I wouldn’t feel like an idiot for saying any of that if I truly did feel any of it, but the truth is that I really have nothing against our arrangement. I do the kitchen and more often than not, she takes the lead in cleaning up the rest of the house! Anyhow so that after we calmed down in the night and were about to sleep… it snow balled into a huge fight where she stormed out of the room and went downstairs to sleep. And by the time I decided to go down and talk to her about it, she was already on the phone and ranting to her best friend.

So now, she’s still sleeping and I’m wondering what I can do to cool her off :D.

God! I wish I get all fine by the end of the day… the lack of oxygen really makes me a nut.

….

Anyhow, there’s the part of the ‘But then again, the outcome of that isn’t’. Well, over my sick few days and the few small fights and last night’s mother fight, I did come to realise that I am finally moving on! Don’t ask me how it happened or how I know it, but I just do. It’s just the way I feel when we’re talking or fighting or just around each other or whatever. Though I know it would take me quite some bit of time to be completely over her, but I know the process has started for sure!! YIPPPEEEEE!

Even though I do realise that, I also know that that doesn’t change what she means to me. I mean yeah she’s no more my girl, yes I have no more rights over her life, but she still means a LOT to me as a friend - almost as much as she ever did. I would even say bestfriend if only for her reluctance. And trust me, my best friends are no less important to me than my girlfriend!

So anyways, here’s to me going solo in life (for now)! woo hooo…

So the trip is done and i have to say it wasn’t half as bad as I had expected it to be. But before I get to the why of that, I must elaborate a little on ‘there’s more to why I’m dreading the trip‘. Apart from all of the stuff I mentioned, there was another element to be considered - LM.

The thing with B is, he doesn’t need a reason to hate someone, quite the contrary in fact. He needs a reason to NOT hate someone. So, what you and me would have considered a small argument, he considered a declaration of war on LM’s part. And that too it was a long long time ago.

But anywho, he didn’t want LM to come along with us and in his exact words, I believe he said “It’s either him or me”. Now I understand that B is just some stupid 19-yr old kid who needs some time to mature and has his own issues in life. But I can’t see why the rest of us have to be put in a tough spot just because of his eccentricities.

Luckily E managed to convince B that it wasn’t his place to decide to not let LM come along with us. So that part of me dreading the trip thankfully sorted itself out.

Ok so as we were driving down to meet up with B, E & LM, both K and me were sort of dreading the moment we’d see them (and those that followed). And as K put it, ‘it shouldn’t be so hard to meet your friends’. But anyways, things went well once we met up and even till the trip to the outlet mall. And once there, as I expected E and his mom were caught up in getting some perfumes for her, LM wasn’t too sure of what to do so he excused himself for a bit. Even K wasn’t in a mood to listen to all of B’s bitching and we managed to make our way out of their company.

So the day wasn’t really a total disaster - I also managed to get a few things. Though we couldn’t really find much for K, so we’ll be going over again later on once the new stock’s in. Overall, the day wasn’t bad at all and B’s bitching was in mild moderation too and so was bearable!

In under an hour K and me have to go for a trip that I’ve been dreading for the past week or two - it’s shopping time!!

Nah, its not the shopping I’m dreading, I love shopping. In fact, I’m probably one of the best guys to shop with if you are a girl. I hate shopping for myself, I LOVE shopping for/with others, I have decent taste/fashion sense at the least but most importantly - I enjoy shopping for long hours. I don’t care if you want to try out twenty tops and buy just one. Actually, I think it’s perfectly fine if after trying those twenty, you think you want to check out the other shops (and sixty more tops) before you decide on one…

But anyways I got distracted with my vanity. Oh yes - vanity - the reason I’m dreading this trip in particular. Well see we have to go to this outlet mall with another couple - which would be fine. But the thing is, one of the guys’ mom is around and we need to take her along as well. And just to avoid confusion, let me christen them both - lets call the son ‘E’ and the boyfriend ‘B’.

Now the thing is, B has this conflict with E’s mother and they don’t really get along famously. And also for some reason, B doesn’t like me very much (to put it politely). So I know it’s going to end up being E and his mom and B trying to sneak K out of my earshot for some bitching and crap. That basically leaves me stranded alone and with nothing really to do (remember I don’t like shopping for myself!).

Also, both K and me need to get a little bit of summer shopping done and I know thats not going to happen either. K isn’t exactly comfortable shopping with someone around and I’m one of the few people (atleast as I believe) that she can shop with. And with E and B around, there’s also the factor of their hideous taste. I mean E is ok - sometimes he comes up with really good stuff, sometimes with decent stuff but the rest of the time with really weird (and not at all in a good way) stuff. And as for B - really someone needs to tell him that inspite of his taste being a complete mimicry of E, it sucks completely!

Anywho… there’s more to why I’m dreading the trip but I think I need to go for now.. so will update this soon

Woooohoooooooo…… Yesterday I finally got my solo fight!

And since I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before, K and me are here in the states to get our Pilot Licenses. So yeah, whenever you’ve seen me mention school - it meant flight school

So yesterday after a long long loooong wait, I finally got to go solo - without my instructor that is. And trust me the feeling was awesome! Though I screwed up a little (fine a little more than a little) and I didn’t really have the perfect first solo, it was well within safety and piloting standards.

It was just soooo awesome!!!

And there’s this really cute tradition with the solos - atleast here in the states. After your first solo, the instructor grabs a pair of scissors and goes all out on your shirt/tshirt. Basically, they cut off the back of the tshirt to symbolize that your wings now need some room to grow! And then that cut off part of the tshirt is then decorated - which in my case is the very basics since my instructor apparently is worse than me in doing stuff like that. But i don’t care… I’m happy. And I’m also glad that I have him as my instructor.

Inspite of a couple of screwed up (aborted) landings, he was really supportive and encouraging right throughout! And instead of pointing out where I went wrong, he pointed out what I could have done better. I know its practically the same thing, but its just how you put it right! I mean I could tell you you suck at doing something that you do or I could tell you how you could improve - and it makes a lot of difference.

Anyhow, I’m just happy this is done and now I can concentrate on getting my private pilot license.

Well nowhere really. And as much as I’d like to use the excuse, I haven’t really been ’so busy that I couldn’t update!’. So what have I been upto in the past few days?

Lets see now… NOTHING! No seriously, there’s been nothing thats really kept me occupied or anything. I have been working on some crappy ad vids as part of my freelancer project (will explain) and been watching a lot of shows and stuff online with K. But apart from that not really much.

And yes sleepy I did take a LOT of time to update but atleast i’m here! And thanx for the tag. But I am going to hold on to that for a while seeing as you are the ONLY blogger I know. But thanks to this, I have a new resolve - to read up on more random people’s lives and rantings and befriend more bloggers! So, till I have atleast 5 ppl to tag on, I shall hold on to that. But just to keep things rolling a bit, here are 3 random facts about me nonetheless:

*I am CRAAAAAAAAAZZZZYYYY MAD about MANGOES! Trust me on this - I live almost SOLELY on mangoes when they’re in season And as much as I love almost all types of mangoes, the one’s that I am really talking about are the Alphonso Mangoes from India. Trust me, till you haven’t had those, you haven’t had mangoes.

*Back in junior school, I was the fat boy!

*I HATE booze

Ah well, now that that’s done… hmmm i think i shall end this post here. But I swear the next post will definitely be very soon!

If there’s been one thing that I have loved year after year after year, it has been the rains. For some reason, as opposed to many ppl that I know, I actually feel pretty happy when it rains. It somehow makes the world look so much prettier. Much more than spring can ever do I believe.

One of my favorite things to do during the rains is to just sit on the window sill when its raining (or even by the window). Most of the times I love talking on the phone with that or just sit there and read. Occasionally, a cup of hot chocolate is all that I need to complete the picture. Though I think I’ve done the phone bit the most. Not just with K (who hates the rains and finds them really gloomy and depressing), but even with G and C and a few of my other friends over the years. There’s just something about the rains that gets my spirit soaring.

And for some reason, the rains here in Texas are just not the same. They don’t evoke the same feelings in me as back home. I don’t know what it is, but here its just rains! Don’t know whyI suddenly miss the rains, but I do. And I miss my window and my bed and getting wet in the rains and damn I miss Bombay!!

Why is this world so dynamic? Does it add some sort of excitement to our lives, break monotony even? Why do people and their nature have to be so dynamic too? Why do you have to change as time goes by?

You know there was a time (long long back) when no matter what the case, I would apologize to K almost as soon as we had a fight. It didnt matter who was at fault, it didnt matter who started the fight, nothing mattered! I would just feel REAAALLY bad about fighting with her and I would end up apologizing and trying to make things right no matter what it took. I know its not really the best thing to do, but I’d rather have that than have the me where I look after myself before her. Even if we’ve broken up. Doesn’t really mean I get to be selfish now does it?

For the past couple of days, it just seems like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try not to, we end up fighting for atleast a few hours every day. And it doesn’t even have to be something serious or even worthy of having a fight over. We just end up fighting!

Like today for instance - it started with some stupid comment by her about some money that a friend of ours owes us and we just continued doing what we were. Then it quickly turned into a conversation of how finicky she’s become with money nowadays (and she started it even!!). Now the thing is, I understand that we are living in a country where the value of money is a lot more than our home country and that we are living with a lot more financial constraints than we would like. Having said that, I understand that it is alright to be a little more finicky about money. And just as a comment to her line, I agreed that she was and added that she aint really the best person to owe money to. And that she used to be much better with it.

Now yes its not something you’d like to hear and maybe I shouldnt have said it. And the thing is, I wouldnt have. But what prompted me was the topic was started by her! Also, in my case I think I am justified in saying that. The thing is, recently I was going through a little bit of a financial crunch. And seeing as how we live together and all, I naturally lent on her to bail me out of it till I had my money come in and so that I could pay her back then. And she did comply.

However the thing being, for some reason - for the first time in years of knowing her, I felt as if she really did mind lending me the money. That every time we went out or we thought of getting something for the new house, she would really think a lot more than she ever did in giving me the money for it - even though she knew I would pay her back asap. Maybe I just imagined all of that. Maybe the hostility was a spillover of the breakup and the rest of the stuff. Maybe I was being insensitive financially. And I hope it is one of those things. But atleast thats what I felt!

On a slightly different note, is it wrong/unusual that I feel bad when I know she is typing out all her anger and all the grudge that she holds again me on her blog where her friends and OUR friends read up on the stuff? I mean every time we have a fight, I know she puts up something on her blog and I’m too scared to check it. Even though its a public blog and she’s got the link on all her networking sites and its not like reading her diary or something, but I still dont like reading it. It started with me wanting to let her have her space online that I dont infringe upon and then once when she did sit me down to read through it, there were more reasons to not want to read it.

Some of the entries that she had were a little hurtful just because of what she thought/felt while for some I just felt bad that she put up some things which I thought were personal on a such a public place. Ah well…

Until next time…