Sometimes I feel like I’m in a game, stuck on a particular level because I’ve failed to collect or activate some item. And the frustrating part is, I’ve tried revisiting every corner of the map and still that one item stays ever so elusive.

It’s been so long since my life has truly moved positively in any direction, that for the most part I have created a comfort zone right here in the middle of nowhere. But every now and then, something or someone comes along and shows me a ray of hope that gets taken away just as soon as I start believing that there truly might be a way out of this hellish place.

Though the above is true for both my personal and professional life, I can atleast console myself with the thought that my professional stagnancy (that’s just a euphemism for being unemployed) over the past couple of years has been mainly due to something that’s much bigger than me. Though that also leaves me feeling totally helpless at times. On the personal front though, it has reached a stage where I dont believe in myself anymore (mainly due to the employment status). I’ve already let a few opportunities slip away over the past year thanks to my all time low self esteem… and I don’t see myself doing any better any time soon.

What’s been driving me crazy since yesterday is that I see the same tell tale signs of depression that I experienced last year before diving head first into a four month bout of depression – only this time, it’s the express version off it all.

Just hoping that somehow…

And it has been a great week since too. I finally got my Vaio back from the US thanks to K and now I’m back to using 3 different Operating Systems on 2 laptops . Isn’t it awesome how the smallest of things can uplift your mood and keep you going for so long!!

On a different note, do you believe in curses? Does it really work if you wish ill for someone and karmically you do deserve to wish the said ill? Oh well, there are times when I like to believe that it does make a difference. And there haven’t been many times when I have truly wished ill for anyone else (road karma/curses don’t count!) so even if it does work, I don’t have to burden myself with any guilt!

(This was soo off the charts that it deserves a post to itself!!)

I was talking to G earlier today and just sort of filling her in on what my life’s been about these past couple of weeks (she’s been pretty busy trying to live her newly married life). The summary of my current state goes that I’m content with the way things are going right now. That sure there’s nothing really great going on in my life – no job, no love, nothing substantial at all; but still life is.. calm! I kid myself not, that is the truth. And even though I’m quite satisfied with the way that things are turning out, every now and then, I’m still scared of the loneliness.

I’ve somehow found solace in my friends over the past few years – there’s always been everyone and then of course G, C and K. I’ve always told myself that I’ll find someone when I’m meant to… that as much as I might yearn it, I’m happy being single cos that just means i have so much more time for me, for my best friends and also i don’t have to live my life for someone else. Hell, would I be planning a trip to Thailand with my friends along with another road trip within the next few months? Probably not! But where’s my point in all of this again?

These past few days have been wave after wave of realization that I’m really single and at times lonely – a lot of times I brave those waves and come out on top, not really giving it a second thought. Then again, there are those waves that drag me down deep and I’m unable to break out for a breath.

It doesn’t help that for the past few days I’ve been watching (one of my favorite shows) How I Met Your Mother – and it really makes me yearn all the more. I can’t go on.. I really am ready to find my own Robin!

And then there is the other reason to celebrate – G got married!! It’s been just over a week since her Big Day and I must say it was all a FABULOUS affair. It was soo much more fun than I had ever imagined that it would be. Over the past year and some bit, she and (hmm let’s call him GH) GH had been having a long distance relationship. And the strange thing about their relationship was that right from the start, both of them were pretty sure that they had met ‘the one’.

When the pre-wedding ceremonies finally arrived last week, the whole process of the past 6 months seemed to culminate into this beautifully planned and executed set of events. And to be honest, now that the wedding is done with, it seems like I have nothing concrete to look forward to. As ecstatic as I am for G and her starting out with this new chapter in her life, I am also a little anxious about how things are going to be here on out with her. I’m not sure what my fears and anxieties are based on – if anything apart from unchartered territory. Though I think that part of it stems from watching one of my other friends get married in the last 2 years and watch him get so tangled up with his new family life.

No matter how things turn out, I hope that this phase in G’s life is the happiest that she has seen so far and that she finds true marital bliss! *raising my glass to you* Here’s to you G & GH, and hoping that the two of you always find your happiness in each other.

At the end of the day I had expected to feel rejuvenated and fresh, but as it turns out, all I feel is weighed down! Something that had already been gnawing at me, got all the more compounded after a couple of conversations with C (and a few random conversations with various people). Over the past 2 years, I have somehow managed to remain upbeat about things despite nothing really working out for me the way I would’ve wanted them to. I would always convince myself that it was only a matter of time and that there really was no reason to get worked up over it. So yeah, I haven’t had ANY luck with women. But then I’d remind myself that I couldn’t possibly have anything working for me there, since I wasn’t even trying to do anything about it – I always had something more important to look forward to. And as far as my career is concerned, it hasn’t even started yet! Sure I’m managing to work freelance and pursue my passion of advertising; and yes it is paying me enough to keep myself going, but that doesn’t help any bit.

What really pulls me down at times is the realization that my life is NOWHERE near my ‘life plan’. I’m nearly 25 and I haven’t started my career yet, don’t have a girl who I’m atleast considering even taking seriously and the worst part is – I feel like the USA economy – nobody has a real idea of how to get it out of the dump and all that they can do is try some bailouts and keep their fingers crossed it works in the long run! I don’t think i’ve admitted this to myself ever before – let alone anyone else – i’m shit scared of how things are going to turn out. Most times I truly am able to stay positive about things and be optimistic, but then there are times like now when it just scares the living daylights out of me.

If I had to have things my way – or atleast as I had ‘realistically’ imagined things to be at this stage 4 years ago –  I’d be atleast a year into my career, with a well charted plan of how to proceed with it. I’d also have a girlfriend with whom I could think of getting real… and i’d be investing in place of my own.

*raising a glass to toast* here’s hoping that the rest of the year turns my life on its head!

p.s. On cue, to prove my point, my net decides to quit on me just as I was ready to publish this!!

But what is really getting to me is that tomorrow is my birthday and I am not at ALL excited about it. Honestly the only reason I AM excited the lil bit that i am, is because G, C & K are really excited about it! K has been after my life for the past ten days or so to let her know what I want for my birthday and G and C for the past couple of days have been asking me the same thing. And honestly, I don’t know!

Sure there are a lot of things I truly truly want and need … like a new DVD drive for my laptop and possibly a new motherboard too, I need maybe a membership to a gym (these past 5-7 months have been TERRIBLE on my body), maybe an external hard drive, a pair of sunglasses and i don’t know a few more things! But the problem is, though these are my bestest friends, I can’t ask them for anything out of the above list. It’s either way too expensive or i’m way too picky about it to truly appreciate what they choose for me (talking bout the sunglasses here).

Though with K, we decided that since I really need to get some new clothes, she’s gonna take me shopping for some – and honestly i would really appreciate that. G asked me if she should do the same, but since I’m already gonna do that with K, i’m gonna go with something else with her. Though I still don’t know what it is I want.

It’s come to a point where I am actually googling my options even with something as crappy as ‘What do i want for my birthday’! and guess what, I’m not the only who’s been in this situation. Apparently there are plenty of people who’ve had this problem and have turned to the trusty ol’ internet for their answers. Hoping that atleast this search inspires me to find something that I truly want/need!

Gotta go now, cos C’s given me an hour to tell her what I want.. and come to think of it, I have only about 40 minutes left – YIKES!

And one of those other things that I can not change about myself no matter how much I want to, is to constantly underestimate the strength of my relationships with those I am closest to. I keep telling myself that no matter how I crumbled into those very feelings this time, I will not let that happen one more time. And yet I find myself in the same position time and again, with one of my ‘inner circle’ friends being the center of the said problem.

Today, after atleast 2 weeks of tossing and turning in my sleep (and the slumber that I would walk in for the rest of the day) I know I will be at peace. All these days, I couldn’t help but go over every single thing that I had said or done to have possibly irked G to an extent where (according to all the ‘logical conclusions’ drawn up in my brain) things between us had really gone downhill.

With G going through radical changes in her social structure in the past couple of months and me not having spoken to her for more than a cumulative 4 minutes in the past month, it really didn’t take much for me to be uneasy about the situation. But as it turns out, things were just a lot more hectic on her end than I had anticipated. As I was about to wrap up for the night (which drew on into the early morning hours), I wasn’t sure if it was my sleep-induced sensory misfire or if G was actually calling me (yeah well, I’m in a mood for drama if you couldn’t guess).

After an hour and a half of talking to her, I am now at peace and finally am able to let loose all the words clogging the exit tubes in my brain. See now that’s another thing that I have… at my emotional extremes, I am incapable of letting my emotions out – whether it is on this blog or through a slightly more creative medium. It’s not till I am a little more at ease and can organise my emotions a tad bit atleast, that I can write.

Anywho, I’m off for the night .. uhh morning (it’s 0815 hrs here) with a much lighter head. Am glad that all that crap about things going south with G was only in my head… But then again there actually might have been something and she must have worked it out for herself without letting me know!! (told ya i have a problem)

As the debate over free downloadable music rages on still, with many a compromise or solution having been proposed over the past few years, Coldplay have taken a bold step. They’ve released their latest ‘album’ Left Right Left Right Left for free and it’s up for grabs on their site. And though its really not got any new songs on it, being a concert album of their current tour, it is still an admirable step that they’ve taken.

And don’t get me wrong. I am as much for all artists getting their right dues as much as I am for us as fans not having to pay ridiculous amounts for their music. But I love the fact that when they could have made so much more money by releasing this as a commercial album, they instead chose to thank their fans by releasing this for free!

so go ahead and download their album now.

oh and a little bit of stats i figured while having an oh-soo-refreshing shower …

45 mangoes | 7 days | 4 pounds | 2.5 cms