Just Wondering

Have you ever had one of those days when you woke up thinking some random arbitrary thought that you have absolutely no idea how it got into your head? Well today was one of those days for me… ‘what would a live-in relationship be like?’. Well to that I’m sure you’re gonna throw up a ‘but you are/were in one dumb$*#@’

But that is my point precisely. I am talking about actually being in a relationship when you are living in together. Not going through the worst time of your life together and then breaking up just because somebody wanted some fun out of the relationship or whatever the reason. I mean how does it work? Do you wake up on most days smiling to yourself about how you are spending your days and your nights with the one person you love? Do you go about your day normally everyday and wish this would never end - be it the fights or the making up or just the love around you? WHAT is it like?

When I first realised that K and me were gonna be living together, there was no stopping my excitement from shooting through the roof. Hell we had only imagined in our love drowned conversations how awesomely insane it would be to be able to do that. To live together and that too in a country where our folks wouldnt be around to be nosy about it and we could spend our time what-the-fuck-ever we wished. About how there would be nothing better!

Then as the day grew nearer for the dream to come true, I grew more and more weary of the situation. I knew something was amiss, something was wrong and that it wouldn’t be like our dreams. But in my optimistic times, I would just brush it off as anxiety or something overplaying the tiny issues we had. Anyhow, the day did come when I arrived at K’s door expecting a pleasant welcome and nothing more (didnt want to get my hopes up too high). But nothing of that sort ever happened. No welcome hug, no smile, no ‘wow you’re here’, nothing. And thats how the dream started transpiring into the nightmare that unfolded itself recently. Ah well….

Now you see my point? Inspite of living together for like some 3 months before it all ended, we never were really together even during that phase!!

So, I promise myself that I will definitely live in with my next girlfriend or the one after that or whoever, whenever before I decide to take the plunge of marriage.

Random thoughts, one post

A post after an eon! Yes I know I have been MIA for a while now. Though most of the gap in time has been thanks to my shifting and the lack of internet at my new apartment. But now that I do have the net, here is an update of pretty much everything that I’ve wanted to blog about in this absence.

Anyhow, seeing as how so much has been happening and not all is really cohesive, this is going to be a post with all the thoughts put together.

Tired of bipolar tendencies - Though it is a defining trait of K, here I am not talkin bout her, but rather myself. Though the past few days have been much better, its still something that I’m sure I’m going to have to deal with. I dont get why I cant just feel one thing - sadness or anger or indifference or whatever else but just all at the same end of the spectrum. Why do I have to feel one thing one minute and its complete opposite the very next?

A lot of it was brought on by FH1’s continuous involvement in K’s life and me knowing that there was still something on between them even if they didnt meet anymore or whatever. I know I have absolutely no right over what she does anymore and shit like that, but it would still get me really worked up. Here we would be having a nice day or night or whatever and suddenly I hear her phone ring or she gets a message and she becomes a little dodgy and a little off. And there would end our good time. And not because she stopped being nice after the call/msg or something (atleast in most cases). But just because I suddenly could not see beyond anything but the betrayal! And I know its really stupid and everything but still. Now I know its a difficult situation for her too, but for some reason I wasnt able to come to terms with the whole thing.

Anyhow, I think in the past couple of weeks or so, I made peace with myself over the whole situation and I believe I (will) handle it better. Hopefully I’ll be able to look beyond the whole thing.

Don’t judge a book by its cover - Ok so before I tell you what this is about, i’ll tell you a little about me. As most of my friends would agree, I am a good listener no matter what sort of problem you have. But that does not necessarily translate into being a good adviser. Quite often the advice I’d give would be something that you are bound to hear from a lot of other people too or that would be something a little more idealistic than practical.

So anyways, K had been having a hard time trying to decide what to do with her life - more like what she expects from it. And a huge part of the problem was that she was stuck doing something that she didn’t really want to. And her parents really wanted her to go ahead with the whole thing and finish up the course. So she was basically stuck in a pickle! Anyhow, sometime about 2 weeks ago, she was at another one of her frustration peaks with the whole thing, fighting with her mom about it over the phone, crying to her best friend about it and the whole deal. And of course she turned to me as well to try and find some answers to the problem (or so I thought).

The thing is, at some point, I came up with an idea which atleast according to me sounded great and would have been the perfect solution to the problem thats been plaguing her for months now. And guess what her reaction to that is! Well she shoots down the whole thing before I’ve even completed explaining it to her. Now I know that all of my ideas are not the best and some arent even practical, but even if everything I say doesnt always make sense, I still dont care much for being discarded as soon as I start speaking.

Hell, even with the worst of ideas coming from L or FH2 (or even FH1 I guess), she would still bother listening intently to them and maybe even act on them no matter how stupid they be. And it seems like it wouldnt really matter what I have to say before she even thinks twice about disregarding it completely!

Oh and at the end of it, she realised that none of her great advisers had come up with anything as good, so she did a turnaround and accepted it as the best solution!

Car Troubles - Ok so a month or so back, K and me decided that we should invest in a car since we’d be moving to a place where the public transport system is not really existent. So we ended up buying a second (or maybe even sixth) hand one from this mechanic who I had met some time back. The guy seemed pretty genuine, the car wasnt really pretty but ran decently and was in good enough condition for our needs. The guy even promised us a 90 day warranty and said he’d come by any time it needed any sort of repairs or anything. And of course it was REALLY cheap! So we went in for it and decided it would be worth stretching our very limited finances a little to get one since we needed it anyways.

So roughly a week into it, the car starts acting a little funny with the transmission and starts giving me a little trouble and I decide to call the guy about it. So he comes by and fixes it and it seems to be doing decently after that but the thing is, inspite of his ‘warranty’ he charges me for the “parts and my driving up till here and the hours I spent on it”. So I try arguing with him about how his warranty then is totally pointless since he IS charging me for everything anyways. But in the end I decide it’s ok to pay him this once and keep him content with our whole deal rather than screw it up with him completely coz honestly, i know jack about cars!

So anyways, a few days after this whole episode, the transmission starts acting funny again so I call him up again and this time the fucking bastard tells me he’s done the work and asks for payment for his ‘gas’. I refuse to pay him and he leaves in a huff. Right on his tail, I decide to test ride the car and check if it works fine or not. And guess what? The car was worse off! So basically the guy screwed me over and now refuses to even answer my calls. And now I’m stuck having to pay for the transmission repair which costs a fucking LOT of money with a new mechanic! Hoping the repairs are the last that I need to do.

The magical 3 words : I ____ You – You know there are those moments that you will never forget. There are the moments that you know will help define your relationship with someone, the things/moments that will definitely come back to you every time you are with that person. And for most of us, there are the three magical words that often get included in this list of things we’ll never forget. You remember the first time you said them to someone, you remember the time when you first really meant it, the first time someone else said them to you and probably even when you think they first really meant it.

So it happened that the other night, me and K were having a nice time at home with our roommate (yeah for the few days that we were in my aptmt we had a friend of ours in the other room) just chatting and reminiscing old times, telling ghost stories and the works. And K felt like having some wine and there was a bottle of some pinot noir at home – which she managed to finish off…

Anyhow, so after we decided to call it a night, we were in our room, changing and preparing for bed when one thing led to another and I heard THE three words – I HATE YOU!!

Yes we were fighting, yes we’ve broken up and yes things weren’t really right between us if you only scratched beneath the surface. But still, just hearing those three words was like shooting a corpse just to see it getting kicked off the ground. And the thing is, I had heard those words from her earlier in many of our fights, but what really hurt and what I couldn’t digest very easily was the menace in the way she said it and the fact that this time I know she meant it!

So apparently I am no more than an ex to her now and she doesn’t even consider me a friend – let alone one of her closest. And of course the only reason she is nice to me is because she has to be – as we are living together and things would be really inconvenient any other way.

I know its only natural to hate your ex, to not want to be around him/her, to want as much space between the two of you as much possible. But still for some reason, it really hurt when she said what she did. Is it because I’m not over her? Because I still harbor feelings for her almost as strong as I did 2-3 months back? Is it wrong to want to be best-friends even after the whole relationship falls apart right in your face?

Ah well, I’ll get over the night someday…

Moving – Well I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before over here, but both K and me had decided on changing our school to one in a different city. So we even had to leave the aptmt that we were in and take up a new place.

The actual days of moving were SO tiring and physically painful and yet fun! I actually drove one of those trucks J. And that in itself was a lot of fun. To fill it up though was such a huge pain – both physical and mental. We just about managed to get everything into it before our backs hands gave way.

And of course we couldn’t have done it or even half of what we did without the help of E – the roommate from my older aptmt. He even volunteered to drive down all the way with us while sitting on the truck cabin floor (there were only two seats)!! Thanks a LOT E!

Now that we have moved in for the past 10 days or so, the aptmt is starting to look a lot more like home. Though there still is quite some bit of work that we need to do and a few things that we still need to buy to set it up the way we want it. Hoping this house does some good for us… and the new school!

Better Days – So we’ve been here in our new city and new apartment and new school for a little over a week now. All the time uptill now, during the whole period of our planning to move here and during the actual moving days, it was nothing but anxiety. I couldn’t imagine what things would be like when we moved here… or more like I didn’t want to imagine what they would be like!

But thankfully *touches wood* things have been great between K and me. We haven’t yet had any serious fights *touches wood again* but rather quite the opposite. And I swear I will kill myself if by saying all of this I am jinxing the days that we are spending in peace together. I love K and it doesn’t matter if she’s my girlfriend or not. I don’t need to be in a romantic relationship with her for me to have that right. I love her as a friend and as a person inspite of all her flaws, inspite of all our misgivings and misunderstandings and our bitterness that I know will take time to dilute itself out of our lives. I want to see her happy and if that means not being with me but with someone else, I’ll just have to come to terms with that.

Though I do hope that she understands that its not easy for me to see her in love with someone else… specially not yet and specially not with FH1! Its just too much to go through in our given circumstances. Maybe under different conditions, I would’ve been able to handle it better but ah well… she IS being very understanding so far. Or atleast that’s what I think it is.

Thank you K for putting up with my issues… no matter who is to blame for them! Love you.

Internet – our lifeline – You know how they say ‘you never value something till its gone’ (or something like that). Well it couldn’t be more true atleast in this case. Its like we take the internet for granted now. What did we do before the online world? How did we run our lives then? Banking, communication, information, entertainment and pretty much everything we do in our lives!!

Damn I’ve missed the net. Since K and me moved into this aptmt, we haven’t had the internet uptil today. There was no unsecured network that we could log on to and the ISP that we contacted didn’t have any time for us till yesterday to set up the net. And even that, we ended up having troubles with till I finally got my lazy arse (do I love the british accent or what J) to solving the problem myself.

Till yesterday, K and me would take the car to the center of our apartment complex and sit there in the car till our (fully charged) laptops ran out of juice accessing the net thanks to some unsecured network! Anyhow, I’m glad that is done with and I have the net again!

until next time….

False Prophecies

I always knew that when this roller-coaster ride of a relationship would end, I would be mature about it and as broken as I would be, I would take it in my stride. And also I knew that no matter what the cause of the break-up, I would atleast try my best to preserve the friendship.

And all these years, I thought I knew this about myself… just like I knew a lot of other things! But apparently, I am not the person I thought I was. I haven’t been one bit mature about the break-up, I havent made things easy for either K or me, I haven’t taken this all in my stride and tried to move on with life.. and the scariest of the lot - I dont think I’m doing my part in trying to salvage the friendship!

In my defense though, the whole situation with the breakup is far worse than what I had imagined it to be. As much as I had thought I would be prepared to handle a breakup due to her cheating on me (which in itself, i didnt think would be the case), I was so wrong in thinking that. What I was counting on was the fact that I had gotten myself through the past experience and hence it would be a lot simpler the second time around. But what I didn’t realize was that the second time, its as bad if not worse!!

And then there is the fact that this time around, for some reason, I was on one of the peaks of being in love with her. In spite of knowing that things were bad between us, I couldn’t help but fall in love with her all over again during the two months or so that we were thousands of miles apart, before I landed in this god-forsaken land. Whats more, after coming here too, I just told myself that I’d rather go through the bad phase being madly in love with her than realizing one day that the bad patch in our relationship was over and now that we were back on track, I wasnt feeling as strongly for her as I could have! What the hell, I dont regret that choice (if at all it was one).

Of course the clincher is yet to come - the LIVE-IN!! Hell, even with the first two factors taken into consideration, I might have been a better person through the break-up, were we not to live together. But as unfortunate as it is, we ended up living together only when it was time to part ways. And even now that we have parted ways, we are bound together for reasons beyond our control. And apart from the moments where just her presence reminds me of the betrayal, I would still not trade my roomie for any other person here!

And as much as I realize every now and then that being sulky about the whole affair or even trying to be indifferent to her when I need my space wont work, I cant help it! At times my emotions (sadness, anger, frustration and a gamut of similar others) are so overpowering that I can not help it. I can not help but be the way I end up being. And I know that just makes matters worse for us. So, I’ve decided to either totally ignore my emotions or try my best to bottle them up until we both have our space to let the bitterness out. And hopefully in the process, I will let go of any of the ugly that is there in me.

Here is a toast to myself and my effort at being nicer to K and to hoping that things will improve between us. Hope that we are once again able to talk to each other about nothing and everything! 

 

Transitions in life

For quite some days now, i’ve been wanting to put up a post. But for some reason or the other, I havent. A lot has been going on in th past few days - that is not necessarily good or bad.

K and me moved out of the apartment that we were living in (hers) and moved into one temporarily (mine), before we shift out of this city for our new school. Leaving the house itself brought forward so many emotions that i could have dedicated a whole post to it (and the 3 different half-written drafts are proof of that!!). If I had to look at it, that apartment brought not much more than bad news for me. From spending months of awkwardness in there to realising that the awkwardness was actually me being cheated on to trying to resolve things to realizing that we were way beyond any help. From having some of the worst fights that we’ve ever had to some of the most fun sex, from doing new things together to realizing that ‘our things’ were no more just ours. Ah well, inspite of all the bad memories in that house, I do know that i will miss it for sure. Because apart from the bad times that I have gone through in there, I have also had moments there which just reminded me why my relationship with K will always be something that I will look back at and know that I did not waste my time on her and wish that we hadnt ended!!

I do hope that changing apartments is a little more than just that in our lives. I hope that it turns out to be symbolic for our relationship and that we end up leaving all our bad times and bitterness behind. I hope that no matter how K and me define our relationship hereon, we do it with lesser emotional baggage and that we don’t dwell on past misdeeds.

Me, me, me and fucking only ME!!!!!

We all know that people are different from one another, that different people think differently and stuff like that. And i get that and even think that adds to the spice of life or whatever. But what i dont understand is, how can some people be so selfish? I totally understand when people are selfish about some things because they are possessive bout something or jst have their quirks… but what bout the people who are selfish in (almost) everything that they do in life.

And of course under this scrutiny, im not even including the set of vain, ignorant, self-righteous bastards and bitches who are very plainly undone in the head. But what about the others who really don’t hold themselves that high in their own regards… how do they explain their selfishness?

I can understand a certain degree of it, i can understand not being totally selfless… but being selfish in almost everything that you do, HOW? Yes, very obviously this question too has been brought upon by Ks doings and me being pissed with her. But the thing is, its not just her that I’m talking about. Its not just just her who has a very selfish outlook to life… its just a lot of people that i realize every now and then who are actually very selfish a lot of the time.

Don’t put others before you as a matter of principal, but at the least think about how they would like things being done, about how your actions or words would affect them and maybe once in a while even do it if your interests are contradicting theirs.

I don’t know why i’m so pissed about this. Maybe its coz everything that I’ve done in this relationship (or the one that we had rather) was putting her first. Like there was this time some nearly three years back where I found out that she was cheating on me with her ex. And she had played us both equally quite honestly. That guy thought I was out of her life and I thought the same about him… that story being for another time.. I found out, staged a three way confrontation and sorted things out. 

For some reason, against my better (or maybe i should say wiser) judgment, we got back after a few months. Now the thing is, even with the whole breakup, I didnt want her to come off as a total bitch to everyone we knew, so we decided that we’d just pass off the break-up as me needing my space. And because of that, I got so much flak from all of our friends (apart from my best friends who were the only ones in the know of the truth), that things changed a lot between me and some of my closer friends. I didn’t care about that. I thought it was all worth it cos atleast K wouldn’t have to go through the ‘you fcking bitch’ stares and the tough time. 

And that part of it worked perfectly. Till date, no one in our group of friends really knows what happened and I’m still considered the jerk who broke things off because I was selfish and wanted my time off from a perfect relationship.

The thing is, I’m not claiming to be a great martyr in the cause of love or humanity or anything like that. I’m not even claiming superiority over any of you or anyone else. All i’m asking for is some consideration from the one person that matters - K! Though that was my idea and she hadnt really asked me to do that for her, I know she really appreciated it and it really did make her life a lot easier. That and a lot of other small things and some big too, I’ve tried putting her before me in our relationship - even at the times when we were ‘on a break’ or whatever.

But inspite of that, here she is, being all selfish (and i’m not even taking into consideration the very obvious - sleeping around - part) about how she’s handling things. AAAAAAAARGGGHHHH.. even though there are so many things that she’s done thats lead me to this post, i’m just going to leave it at that. If i’m in a mood to elaborate on those things later on, i might but for now, it just frustrates me more everytime i think of those things so i’m just going to end this post wishing that K gets a little selfless in life. Atleast for the next guy in her life (who btw is pretty much there already!!) coz she really is going to have a sucky life if she doesnt loosen up a bit on her self-centeredness (i know thats not a word!).

The purple glasses (tired of petty games)

Why cant we always be kids? why do we need to ‘grow up’? I know its a question almost as old as the chicken v/s egg one, but cant we just not grow up?? and i’m not even talking about the physical aspect. Hell i don’t care bout looking older. In fact i think thats sort of cool. How we change appearances through the years and its only when you look back at snaps or something do you realize how different and how much better/worse you look now.

But anyhow, thats deviating from my point. What I was getting at was, can’t we all just stay kids mentally and at heart? Like 10 years old or something or maybe just about 12. Not get into the teen phase, not have to bother about stupid issues. Not have any ‘real’ worries in life. You dont have to bother about trivial things like who looks better and who does what and bother with personal politics and backbiting and bitching and all that shit.

You dont need to have a relationship, hell you’d probably think that friends is all you need anyways! And if we DO have relationships, it will be the cutesy types where the most serious of issues is ‘he sat next to her in class for ten whole minutes’ or the likes.

You don’t have to worry about coming off right to some stupid hung up people all the time coz their brains are so tiny that they can’t compute simple things in life. Hell even if you DID tick them off, all can be forgotten if you just offered to be on their football team or help them with their homework or something as simple as that.

Wouldnt it be great to look at the world through pink (or blue or purple or green or whatever else may please you) tinted glasses for all your life? Wouldnt it be great to not have to go through the heartache when you know that someone is cheating on you. When you know its over, but you still hurt EVERY single time she even SMSes the darned jungle rat or any other rat of hers. Would it not be a simpler world if all the hiding you had to do was in a game of hide n seek?

I wish I could just put on my pretty purple looking glasses and not have to worry about any thing in this whole wide world but when i would next get to chew some chocolate!!

Yin & Yang

In all its glory that this world has been made, it really thrives on its imperfections. For every one thing that is wrong, there is an equally right thing to offset that. For every tragedy we face in our lives, we also experience the ecstasy of something else. But is it too much to ask for a little balance? Would the world not be a little better had we not to experience the extremes? Or would it be?

At the same time, there are people with radically opposite takes on the same topic. And recently I realized this in the form of K and G (my best friend). The other day, I was talking to G and she was telling me about this one guy who she works with and how he is BAD news. She’s been talking to him a lot and hanging out with him a lot and though she knows its just platonic and there’s no sort of physical or romantic attraction to him, she still is scared of letting her friendship grow.

According to her ideology, once you are in a committed relationship (she’s been with the guy for 5 years now), it is unfair to your partner or even wrong to become close friends with a person of the opposite sex! And though i know that with a principal like that, you can tread a very safe path in your relationship and probably avoid falling for some other guy/girl - i think its just crap. And yes i DID tell her that - for the umpteenth time.

Are you wondering where the radically opposite people part of it comes into the picture? Well… there is K on the other hand! Not only is she perfectly fine with making new guy friends once in a relationship, but she tends to get close to them all the time (a little too close for comfort at times). And then of course there is every other guy ‘friend’ of hers who she decides its ok to mess around with inspite of being in a committed relationship (yeah she’s screwed up!!).

I just wish both of these idiots would change a little bit. Like K should get a lot of G’s influence and G should take on a little of K’s thinking. I mean hell yes make friends who are guys (or girls if you’re a guy) when you’re committed. And no its not wrong to get close to them as long as its not romantic or physical. Everyone needs good friends - and at all times in their lives. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you are bound to know only the people that you did before it. A relationship is not supposed to be binding. Its supposed to surpass all of these nitty gritties. But yes, do not EVER cross the line and end up in bed with any of your ‘good friends’.

Why am I preaching? I don’t know!

The sword through my heart

You’d think having already been through something similar to this cheating experience, it would not really hurt that much. That I would know what to do and what not to. But it really doesnt work that way. Our heart never learns from its mistakes unlike our brain. We never can skip the heartache that comes along with anything, no matter how well prepared we think we are.

So as part of the letter that K gave me, when breaking up with me, she told me that she indeed did have something with FH1. Now as to the details of that something, she did not elaborate on. And seriously, I don’t need to hear it from her. Coz I know that no matter what she says now, it really won’t make any difference in what I think. There was a time when I was willing to turn a blind eye to everything that my brain wanted to show me and believe her even if she said that she thought of him as a brother and that all the nights spent at his place were no more than just harmless talk.

But there is no point in it. There’s no way that now, after all of this, I will believe anything less than what I have feared the most. And no, thats not that they had sex. That part i KNOW without a trace of doubt - as well as I know that I have 2 eyes and a nose. But in fact I also know that it wasn’t just physical. That there was more to it than just sex. That she had feelings for him and it wasnt just a drunken night that started her on her sexcapades with him.

And I’ve heard plenty of points in the argument of what’s worse - physical or emotional cheating? And once again, my belief has been reinforced with an experience I wish I could never have a claim to - physical infidelity is nowhere near to how painful the emotional one can be.

And it doesn’t help that I am by nature a person who broods over every drop of spilled milk. It doesn’t help one bit that I am the sorts who’s going to play this event in my head over and over and over and over again for months now at the least. And all of this wouldn’t matter if the girl was someone I didn’t care about as much and only cared about as my girlfriend. Hell, I’d do some of those stupid male chauvinistic shit things like going on a random girl sex spree just to make myself feel better. But the hard part is, trying to make sure this works out between us and that we don’t drift apart…

At times I have these moments of insanity and wild anger when I get sooo tempted to just screw everything she has going for her, but thankfully I am stronger than that. I am better than that. I just hope some good comes out of this mess.

P.S.: thank you ALL for your support. Really helps to hear from you. even if it is nothing but the fact that you’ve read my entry and you wish you knew what to do! All of this support from people i’ve never even heard of before makes my belief in humanity grow stronger

Spotless mind

So yeah, I’ve been on a hiatus for a few days. What have I been up to you ask! Have I been brooding for these past few days? Too sad to come online and put up a post? Fighting with K? Distancing myself from K? None of these actually!

Things haven’t really been any different between us since our break-up. We still behave the same with each other, we ARE still living together, still sleep on the same bed, we still cook for each other, feed each other, hell we even had sex (which btw hadn’t happened for QUITE a while now)!

How then do you ask has this been a break up of any sort? Well it has! Coz even though we still do the same stuff, everything now is different. I sooo wish things weren’t, but they are. I guess the basic factor that you need to realize is, we still love each other – well atleast I do, crazily too and as for her, she said she does too but oh well! It’s just the lost trust (which runs bothways), the lack of fidelity (on her part) and the growing bitterness between us which made breaking up the only right choice.

No, that in no ways means that I’m glad things went down the way they did. If I had to have things my way, neither me nor K would have screwed up on every aspect that we did and we’d still be together. But that’s just wishful thinking and I just have to accept things the way they are now.

It really is not easy knowing that someone you loved so much, so darned much, went on to cheat on you – once again. It’s not easy knowing that what you felt for her was not being reciprocated after being together for as long back as you can remember. Not the least bit easy to know that there was and there is nothing that you could have or can do to change things. Hell its not easy to even live through a single day being with her all day after all of this has happened!

Don’t you ever wish that erasing memories from your mind (a la Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind) was possible? Like you know, you have some bad memories that you don’t want, or just don’t want some good memories even, or want to erase a person completely from your memories… that you could do it! So if it was possible to do that, would I erase K from my memories? Hell NO! Not for anything in this world or the next would I do that. My time with her has been the best that I’ve had in my life. There’s no way that I would ever give them up. If I even was given the option of living through all of the bad memories with her ten times over and retaining those memories or just losing them all, I would not even think twice!

But there IS something that I would want to use the ‘memorase’ (well couldn’t come up with anything better) technique. That’s to make sure that I forget all the bitterness memories, all the big fights, all of the reasons that made it so obvious we shouldn’t be together anymore. And what I would love to retain is everything else – including all the normal fights that we’ve had, the times I’ve upset her or she me, the great times we’ve had… and somehow implant a memory of us deciding to break up amicably coz there just was something trivial that we couldn’t work out inspite of our great relationship. Yeah that sounds nice! Any medical crackpots wanting to take a shot at this concept, I’d willingly be your test subject!

I know I haven’t really shed much light on what really went down with the breakup, but that will come (if it does) when I really am ready to brave those memories! Till then, I shall live one day at a time, one painful/ignorantly blissful moment at a time. And though I know its not going to be easy, I know I have to do this. I know I have to get through this phase of my life too – I have to make sure I don’t end up (and nor does she) hating her coz she means a LOT to me as my best friend. So though I don’t really believe it, I shall say it just to try and make myself find belief in the words…

I feel like I can face the day.

Another one bites the dust

‘When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, it ends tonight
Just a little insight won’t make this right
It’s too late to fight, it ends tonight, it ends tonight’

So it really is over. Finito. There’s no more an ‘us’ anymore. Don’t know if there is anything as a fitting end to a relationship, but if there is such a thing, I don’t think this is it. Am really in no mood to write now. My muscles just won’t respond to this and my brain is not willing to process any of it right now.

Its been more than 10 hours now, but its really not yet sunk in at all. And you know what, it wasnt an ugly break up. Not at all. Maybe it was that I knew what was coming, maybe it was just that it was all done through a letter, even though we were in the same room, maybe both of us were too tired of fighting for so long, that now it didn’t matter at all. But whatever it was, it wasn’t an ugly break up for sure. And I’m so glad for that.

When I really can write, I will put up more details about this but… this is IT!