A quack quack here and a quack quack there

yeah, i can’t really really think of a title for this post . It’s just all a mess in my head *looks around before completing the sentence* … and my room! Well, I DID clean up a little earlier in the day, but very visibly not enough

If i try to find the underlying theme to the day, I think it was people who are a part of my past and not the present. Some of them I’m making some efforts to get back in touch with – while there are those who threaten to invade my life even though i do not want them around. There is B to begin with – he’s back in the country, and for the next week or so, in town for some stuff. But luckily, unless fate brings us together, we shouldn’t have any issues keeping our distance cos of our mutual dislike for the other.

And later in the evening, I had gone to the movies with K and a friend. There we bumped into another friend of ours from college days.. and among other things, of course we got to talking about all the people we know and what they are all up to. And then it came up – MV: another ‘friend’ from college – was heading back for India sometime in the near future. And the thing is, he’s gonna be shifting base to bbay and i’m not sure if i’ll really be able to avoid meeting him! aaaarghhh..

The deal with MV involves a lot of history with me and K. And though at one point he was a good friend, I can not bear him anymore. One of our breaks that we were on over the years, K had a thing with MV and though at that time i really didn’t make much of it, it suddenly mattered later on and I couldn’t have him around me and not want to punch him in the face. Probably the only reason I didn’t lose my cool around him was my reasoning that if I could accept K for doing all of that, then I should be able to do the same with MV right.. cos both of them were equally at fault (or not) for whatever transpired between them. And eventually after the break up, when he suddenly popped back into the scene, i realised that I was no more overlooking K’s deeds – and that meant i didn’t have to feel guilty about not liking MV either! Ah well.. i know i’ve got issues

Imagine..

Do you believe in time-portals?

Sounds like such a far fetched idea doesn’t it – the whole concept of time-portals, taking you to a different time altogether. And yet, we all have our very own portals, stashed away in some corners of our congested lives. If you don’t believe me, then go try on the perfume that you would wear 4 years earlier and you don’t anymore. Or what about the song that you heard a gazillion times over in a span of 2-3 months at some point in your life.. or for that matter, even if you just heard that once at some moment in your life that really changed a lot of things (yeah exactly like the movies).

All of us have these little things – smells, sights, sounds, movies, tastes and god knows what not! And as with all of you, I too have my own set. There is the Backstreet Boys – who always take me back to my initial days with G, C & S. Whenever I hear ‘Quit playing Games’ or ‘All I Have To Give’ or some of the other songs by them, there’s always this major flashback that I go through… with extremely vivid images of a particular incident, conversation or meeting coming to mind. So much so that at times i’ve actually felt like i’m reliving that time and I even recollect some things that I wouldn’t otherwisely actively would have remembered!

As with anything else, along with the good things there are also the bad. And of course I had one ambush me tonight just as I was ending a really good day!

As I was having dinner, the copy of Mulholland Drive wouldn’t play, so I went back to some of the movies that I have saved and started watching ‘Imagine Me & You’. And BAM!

There came flooding back memories… ugly ones at that too, which I had relegated to the depths of my mind. All of the bitter times and the events post the break-up with K came back to me.

And it does not matter that for the most part I have made peace with those memories and with that part of my life. Sure I am not over it all completely, and of course it’s left me scarred, but I know that it doesn’t bother me on a day-to-day basis anymore.

However it all came back a little too much in detail… the last time I was watching this movie was after the break up and it was K, LM and me watching this at LM’s.  And I remember not being able to sit through the movie because it was a little too much for me to handle at that time. I eventually fell asleep about half-way into the movie, with tears in my eyes and my heart feeling heavier than the Pacific ocean. Terrible times!

After all of this time, I thought I’d be able to watch it and truly enjoy it (it IS a nice movie). But I reall couldnt sit through it. And the stranger part of that is, I managed to watch the movie till pretty much the same point that I had stayed up for the last time.

Ahh, darn that portal!

Singing to my own jingle!

I’m single and for the moment enjoying it! You’d think that would be in reference to not being bound to a single person or the lack of complications arising from a relationship; but actually the reason i’m happy being single is completely different.

With the ‘Great Recession’ looming over our heads these past few months (and god knows how much longer), things are just so much simpler and more economical when you’re single! Seriously.. i don’t mean to be a bitch about spending on my girl or anything – i honestly enjoy doing that and don’t think of it as a burden (atleast with K it wasn’t thankfully). But the point is, its still expenses. Whether its because the lady in my life wants me to spend on her or I do it of my own accord. And with my situation being what it is right now, I’m just so glad not having to factor in the extra bucks in my monthly expenses!

India – living down its promises

I always take pride in the fact that i am Indian. I always would laugh the ‘little do you know, mongrel’ laugh at people who played down India’s importance in the world. And I would always recommend people to come to India atleast once in the future – and no, that is not to have the ‘elephant-rides’ or watch the ’snake-charmers’ that we’re oh-so-famous for. But just because I truly believe that India is a land like no other. It is where you meet harmony and friction in the same space, where you see some of the most advanced tech systems in the world right next to a cowshed – in the heart of a big city, where life is truly what it was meant to be when God envisioned his people. And of course there’s the larger, more beautiful and yet the deeply saddening part of India.. the rural India – the TRUE India.

Having been brought up in Bombay, I have seen how inspite of witnessing some of the worst communal fights ever in mankind’s history, we as a people have grown SO MUCH. We now live in true harmony with each other as far as most daily matters are concerned. Being a muslim, I have as my best friends – hindus and christians. And at various points in my life, I’ve been close friends with someone from nearly 80% of the world’s  religions (including ‘atheism’).

So what if we still have our differences in some issues. And inter-religious/caste marriages might still be an issue for the larger population – but every country has their issues! Sure, we are internally quite racist and need to lose some of our inhibitions and dogmas – but I still believe that as a nation, as a people there is no better. Or so i used to believe…

And then all of the chaos started getting to me. The hooligans that were always present and never the center of (my) attention, suddenly started getting to me like no other! I mean what the F*CK is with these bastards. Whether its the lunatic Sr Thackrey or his even more delusional nephew with his fucked up crazy party – the MNS. And what about the ’spineless dicks’ of Sri Rama Sene and their leader Muthalik, who do not have any better way to vent their frustration but to harm the helpless women minding their own business. And what was so heinous a crime that these women committed? Well, they went to a pub *gasps and dies of shock*! Wht the hell… they went to a PUB, to have a DRINK and SOCIALIZE??? how could they? how could they do this – against the teachings of our ancestors and against our culture!! HOW THe FUCK COULD THEY!!!

Wht these bloody biatches forget very easily, when claiming to be the ‘moral police’ (i mean what the fuck is that??) of the state/country… is that we are the nation that gave the world the Kama Sutra.. that we probably invented the concept of strip joints (albeit under a different name) a 1000 years before anyone else even thought of it – with the mujras. Hell, we probably have proprietary rights to even the concept of cheating husbands AND wives!! And don’t even get me started on eve-teasers, molesters and drunkards!!

Then, who the fuck are these people to tell me how to run my life/enjoy with my friends. Who the fuck is R thackrey to kick the innocent students out of bombay anyways? its not his pop-in-law’s city. And neither is it his oh-so(-NOT)-divine uncle’s. I mean that old fart is nothing but a bloody cartoonist .. and a mafia lord (again, under a different name) at best!

Oh and the latest bit from the leader of ‘Sri Rama Sene’ – Mutha-fucking-lik – after claiming the ‘pub-culture’ to be a ‘western corruption of the Indian culture’; comes the least-awaited sequel -  “the DAY culture is not ours and these celebrations come with vested interests of the West” (in an interview about Valentine’s Day). Oh and his brilliant plan to ensure that these ‘western’ influences don’t make our ever-innocent-and-pure teens ‘perverts’, is to marry them off there and then, if they are seen celebrating V-Day!!

India sadly is no more the place it always promised to be. With countless such instances of organized political hate rampages all across (especially the big metros), I wouldn’t suggest any friend of mine to visit the country any more! Not till we sort our own mess out. And trust me that is not in the foreseeable near future.

Being the second most populated country, but definitely the one with the highest people-land ratio – i think its an inbred thing to want to be different from the rest. To stand out from the 1.5 billion is quite a task to say the least.. and some of these lunatics take it to be cool to do so by beating up random people and coming out with random methods of ‘moral righteousness’. In effect, the country we live in is really not much different than what the Nazi Germany was – under the facade of a regulated, in control, central power, we are in a state of chaotic anarchy!

The funny part is, with India being the country with the maximum number of political parties (don’t have statistics to back me up on this, but am pretty sure about it), it is a country completely lacking in any form of order!

May God(s) bless India!!

*Disclaimer 1: For any offensive references I might have made against any specific culture/minority/ethnic group in this post, I apologize to anyone who might be hurt by it, but most of it was only to illustrate my point.

*Disclaimer 2: For the offensive references I have made against any political outfits/parties/individuals, please do take offense – as it was meant in all earnestness.

Three left feet

if i was to choose THE ’social handicap’ (amongst all that i have) that i suffer from, i would have to say that would be my dancing. and yes, that counts even over the fact that i don’t drink (don’t get me wrong, i am completely cool with it, but it IS a social handicap nonetheless!)

what started off as just a lack of upper & lower body co-ordination as a kid, has now been mastered into a new art form in itself, albeit it IS a prettier site than all that George Bush left behind. Trust me, I am not kidding you when I say that I must be one of the worst dancers that you could possibly ever meet.

‘How difficult is it really to move your body to the tunes?’ right?? Exactly the question i keep asking myself every now and then – at times even out of the blue. But honestly, my answer to that is VERY DIFFICULT!! As far back as i can remember, even as a little kid of 5 or so, I looked really funny doing what i thought was some form of a cool dance. and what never helped is the ’support’ i got from my family. Because not only did they laugh at me, but made it a point to exhibit my (lack of ) talent, to every possible person they’d come across. Sure i don’t really blame them or anything.. coz looking at some of the family videos now, I actually understand why it was so important that my artform be witnessed by the world.

But the sad part of it all is, that at no point in 22 years of my life, did i ever feel i should try and work around the issue and learn how to dance – just because it was always way too embarassing. However, I am glad that atleast over the past year or so, I’ve gotten over that fear just a little bit – enough to give a rat’s ass about anyone who’s watching and laughing and move to my own tune… maybe that IS the first step to being a better dancer!

So next time you’re out partying and you have some clumsy fool stepping on your feet, you know its your friendly neighborhood dancer-man!!

An exclusive with Zev

As he enters the room, I’m in half a mind to let him have it for making me wait 15 minutes. But he is quick to flash a smile at me and apologize profusely even before I have the time to react. “I am so sorry to keep you waiting, but punctuality’s never really been my forte!” Ah well, I’m a sucker for a genuine apology!

Without much ado, I get down to business and what followed is a heartfelt round of questions and answers … with me grilling Zev and for some weird reason, Zev referring to himself in third person throughout!!

Q: When can your audience expect Season 2?
A: I know its been a long time in the making, but it’s finally here! We’re done preparing for this season and deciding on what we wanted to offer this time around.

Q: So what really has been cooking in the land of Zev Nyklus?
A: Quite honestly, a lot has happened since season 1 of Zev’s life ended. He is in a different location, almost half-way around the world; he is stuck in a position pondering over what the future holds for him and yet trying to make sense of the past year and a half; there are a few new characters that come into play in this season, while some of those from the previous one have new roles to play.. It is quite a different story altogether this time around.

Q: What exactly are you hinting at with the uncertain future?
A: There are a lot of things that have changed for Zev – or more like almost everything has. His relationships are quite different and so is his financial scenario. The world economic slowdown has not spared him either… and so he’s left battling all sorts of forces that he has no control over. So its not just his personal life but also his professional (or atleast one that he’s trying to make) that has hit the doldrums and he needs to figure out how to get out of.

Q: So is this season going to be a lot about the recession?
A: Not really, or lets hope its not! So far as of what we have planned, it shouldn’t play as big a roll in Zev’s life as some other factors might. But the point here is, that the blog will still be what it was always meant to be – about Zev. About his life and things that affect him. Now if this ‘recession’ does end up playing a larger role in all our lives, then maybe you’ll see a lot more of it being incorporated here as well, but not at the moment.
In fact, this season you can expect to see Zev getting a lot more personal and you get a better look into who Zev really is as a person.

Q: Was it this change that accounts for this large absence that you’ve had?
A: Not quite. There just has been a lot going on for Zev including the change of location, major changes in his relationships, a pretty screwed up ISP (yeah, that accounts for nearly a month of the gap) and a few times even writer’s block!

Q: Alright, so something that’s been on all our minds… what happens to Zev & K??
A: Hahaha.. you know what, that is a question I am quite often asked. What does happen to them? Well, as you’ll realize from the season’s start itself, they share a really healthy bond – one that is quite uneasy to digest for most people. What no one seems to understand is the level of comfort they share now inspite of not being ‘together’ anymore… and yet how they aren’t together inspite of being around each other all the time (yes, even now)!

Q: So it’s pretty much the same thing as last year huh?
A: To some extent you might be tempted to think that, yes. But what really is the difference this time around is that it is more out of choice and there is no binding factor at all. They don’t HAVE to make things work – but rather they CHOOSE to. It is quite refreshing to see the two of them be civil inspite of the horrid break-up – when they are surrounded by ex-couples that can not even stand each other, when nothing of consequence really took place! But anyway, K’s part in Zev’s life is no more the focus of things!

Q: What else can you tell us that we should look forward to?
A: There are plenty of new things that Zev is going to face this time around and quite honestly, a lot of those events are going to be as much a surprise for him as they are going to be for all of you readers! So, let’s just keep our fingers crossed and hope this time around, The Delinquent Mind… is a lot more interesting for all of us!

Of Life and Croquettes

All of us at some point or the other have known that annoying person havent we? The one who ‘really cares’ about the planet or whatever thats supposed to be. “Don’t use plastic, switch off the light when yu dont need it, don’t litter, blah dee blah, blah dee doo” … well, I am one of those!!!

And inspite of my awareness of various issues and my attempts at trying to get people on board, i actually hadnt seen ‘an inconvenient truth’ until just a couple of days back. sure its no bible on the subject, but hey it was pretty well acclaimed for its efforts right!? so anywho, i watched it a couple of days back (finally)… and got really pissed and depressed and felt hapless – all at the same time! I mean its a great documentary and all, but its just the sad state of affairs that we’ve all gotten ourselves into…

Anyways, I’m gonna save the ‘what can you do’ part of the topic for another day, but i just wanted to say that its not very often when any politician really takes up a cause – without any specific political gains to be derived from it! and I think Gore’s done a wonderful job of it – bravo!

On the other side of things, I cleared my commercial written exams as well just 2 days back and aced that too Now just to get my flying for this stage going and i’m gonna be all set to go back home!

And i almost forgot about the day of the exam. K and me both gave it together (like all the other exams!!) and we were gonna go spend the day after that with B, E & LM… K finished her exam before me as usual and was waiting for me outside (well atleast thats what i presumed). But what followed was a frantic search for her over the next 20 -30 minutes without any luck. and she had my phone too! (and the exam centre shut down so cudnt use their phone) so then i got into the car and started driving around teh place to try and clear up my head and think straight. coz the last thing i knew was the proctor at the exam place telling me she was going to the restroom. and i was thinking up really crazy scenarios after those 20 odd minutes. and while i’m driving around trying to think of what to do next, K chirpily calls out to me from somewhere and comes bouncing up and down towards the car, naturally on the phone in her own world! i SNAPPED out at her like a famished crocodile and that was that for the whole day! we barely spoke all the way till yesterday morning! Sure, now the whole incident doesn’t seem like a big deal, but at that time, i got really screwed in the head (can i blame it on the summer?). and sure, i may have over-reacted a tad bit …. but anywho, just thought of the incident when i thought of the exam…

the funny thing with that trip was E… and his obsession to outdo me in cooking!! the thing was, a week or two back, him and B had flown down to our town and over snacks i had given him the recipe for chicken croquettes which K had told them bout and stuff. And two days after that he made them, and thats when it started (atleast with this recipe!). That’s when he first got all excited about having K eat his croquettes and prove to her they were better than mine! I mean SERIOUSLY!??? i grant him his dumbness and all but… i don’t care if he ends up making them better than me… i mean why should i.. honestly, the whole thing was a little annoying but for the most part just plain amusing!

oh and today’s just been so weird for K and me in terms of our sleep.. its 6 in the morning and both of us are up after having slept at odd hours through the day for no reason.. first i fell asleep and she was up, then she fell asleep and i was up … then i wanted to sleep but couldnt because i had a lot of stuff running through my head (i had to be stupid and go through the old stuff on my comp/emails bout K and me)… ah well..

mega post

So yes, i took yet another sabbatical from this online world to get completely absorbed into my own. But there was just so much happening and going on in my head that i couldnt really concentrate on anything online. and now that i’m back, there’s just SO MUCH to update all of you (read as sj and a couple of anonymous readers!) on. so bear with me as i ramble on about the week that was… (this post was typed out yesterday but i forgot to publish it!)

to begin with, today is the Indian independence day. 61 years ago on this day is when the great colonialists – the british – decided they couldn’t take it any longer. Today is when the trees of free speech and thought, of self-rule, of happiness burst out of the seeds sowed nearly a 100 years earlier. Today is also the day when along with the trees, the weeds of corruption and greed and selfishness intertwined themselves with the roots of these very trees.

Sure, we might not be the most advanced country in terms of technology, nor are we the most forward thinking and sure we are plagued with all the problems that every democracy in this world (and possibly others too) has to face… and of course we have more than a billion people – but, we sure do give the best in every field a run for their money.

If I could, would I choose to be born in a different country? Of course.. in Demilfabliland (demilitarized-fantasy-bliss-land). But no, no other country? Why? why not being a muslim would i be born in a ‘more Islamic’ one like our neighboring country of Pakistan or in any of the Arabian gulf countries? Why wouldn’t I rather be born in the ‘more civilized’ western countries? What about the ‘land of dreams’ – USA you ask? Well pahtoey to all of them! No disrespect meant to any of the countries – I’m sure they are all great in their own rights… but none is really better than the other – no matter what the results of egotistical greed-driven (anti-terrorism my ass) wars. Seriously… so in this case of no country being better than the other.. why would i give up the country that has given me the people who i can’t live without and has made me the person I am today?

A little too strongly patriotic? sorry if i hurt any sentiments.. but i just read a few posts by people about how it would be better for India to be a little more like their country and learn a thing or two – to all those people… F&#* YOU!!

Happy Independence Day!

—

Day before was a great day for me… it was my Instrument checkride and I passed!! woo hooo…. I love my examiner. He’s this old guy (aren’t they all!) who understands what it takes to fly and what are realistic expectations from a checkride and doesn’t blindly stick to the published rules. He also takes the time and patience to sit with inexperienced pilots like me (hey i’m comparing myself to a 55 yr veteran!!) and answer stupid questions. So anyways, once done with the flight, he tells me that my flying skills were exceptional and that he was pleasantly surprised at how good i was at everything in the flight. So, no pun intended, but i passed my checkride with flying colors!!

He went on to tell K that I had set a high standard for her to match up to (she had to fly with him the next morning)… and i’m glad that her flight went great too and he was telling her (and me too later) that we were two of the best that he had examined!

With this out of the way, I’m hopefully not more than a few weeks away from returning home! (though i am still very anxious about returning to that life).

—

So you remember how in the last post i had said i had this whole entry to type away at but i didnt. Well it went something like this. Well, atleast the basic… have forgotten half the stuff, but…

I was just wondering the other day what my life had amounted to so far and what had i achieved/done so far. Would i be happy with my life if i were to die now? or would i wish i had done something(s) before that… then i realized that apart from completely wasting the last year of my life (fine i’ll grant that i became a pilot), i haven’t really been doing anything great with the remaining years either! i mean sure i’m not saying that i’d change much of my life so far if i could. But just that i’d also squeeze in other things that I could’ve done. So my point in short being, i got to making a bucket list of sorts!

And i’m sure I’ll have things to add to this later.. but seriously, this isn’t just something that i put down randomly .. but things that i really want to do. and some even things that i have wanted to for a long long time! (oh and it’s in no order of importance or anything else)

• learn kendo and iiado in japan
• play Shogi – japan
• Sit in a cafe by the bustling cobbled streets of paris reading my book for the whole day
  
• Trek up the himalayas
• Witness the northern lights in greenland
• Have a camera collection
• Be an amazing photographer
• Capture the northern lights on cam!!
  
• Sit on the Carribbean beaches with nowhere to go
• Go bungee jumping
• Have an affair with a really pretty girl who doesn’t speak any language i remotely know
• Learn her language
• Go skydiving
• Study native tribal medicines across the world
• Witness the sunrise in the arctic
• Save someone’s life heroicly – CPR/yanking them away from a speeding car’s path/whatever
• Go Skinny Dipping in Greece
• Scuba diving in the Belize Reef & Australia
• Find an old map and go Treasure Hunting!!
• Get locked up for a couple of days in some random country
• Cycle by the southern coastlines of New Zealand
• Chase a thief down on horseback! – Anywhere
  
• Learn how to ride horseback
• Spend some time on the islands of micronesia
• Cycle around Spain

I’d be satisfied if i did atleast 3/4th of this list!!

—

while i’m stuck here in this hopeless situation of living with an ex and not having anything remotely resembling a love life (well i don’t meet any people, so DUH!), i’m ecstatic for both G & C. G has found this guy who is extremely understanding and mature and yet really sweet and fun to be with and does everything for her. and the best part? they both know that its just a short relationship cos G has to go away for a long time and they’re both fine with it!!

but what i am more excited about is C’s newfound love. she’s in this long distance relationship with this guy who was there in bbay for not more than a wee and they really hit it off in that time. and now, inspite of being thousands of leagues away from each other, they’re giving it a go and so far thankfully, its working out great for her.

the reason i’m so happy for her with this is cos for once it seems like the guy is really interested in her as a person and she connects with him and has conversations with him and its not just the guy being in awe of her and wanting her as a trophy. don’t get me wrong, some of her exes (how do u make the plural of ex??) have been decent guys and probably have been in it for good reasons and stuff… but this one’s different! he makes her feel good.. i’ve never heard her gush bout anyone like she does bout him!!

i just hope C’s relationship works out like a fairytale (with a happy ending) that never ends…

so till i find someone who makes me go all crazy about her and makes me feel good, i’m just gonna stay happy in their happiness!

comfort in words

You know all day long, i had the entire entry typing itself out in my head… every single detail that I wanted to put down had been put into the right words. But then I had this chat with C just a while back, that I knew I had to write about…

The thing is, for some reason I am really insecure about my relationships with anyone i really care about. Don’t know what it is, but I just fear that I’ll wake up one day to realise that I don’t really mean even half as much to those people as much as they mean to me. And frankly, every one of those people except G & C have only fed this insecurity time and again. And though I say this, the people I am the MOST insecure about are G & C. I just can’t imagine losing them. I dread even thinking about the possibility that there might be a day where we have a fallout and we don’t recover from it.

So every time something reassuring comes my way, its enough to take me through the next couple of weeks or so in high spirits.. and tonight’s conversation with C was just that.. and though it was barely even about us and more about this one guy, it was just those few lines in between… (yeah i know u think i’m a psycho!!) And for all you know, no one but me would really be able to see what i mean from these lines…

. ..C.. says:

and ive told him soo much abt me that no one knows

. ..C.. says:

i mean apart from G and u

. ..C.. says:

like hes the only other person i feel who doesnt judge me

–

. ..C.. says:

but if u love someone for who they are

. ..C.. says:

then thats like forever

. ..C.. says:

yeh..

. ..C.. says:

like you guys

. ..C.. says:

like g and u.. kno me..

. ..C.. says:

cos u guys are interested in knowing the person

. ..C.. says:

but i mean like my other friends are different

. ..C.. says:

they dont talk to me abt who i am

. ..C.. says:

they just talk abt ppl..or club together

. ..C.. says:

or chill together

. ..C.. says:

but we guys actually have conversations (abt who we are)…

And again, you probably don’t see what i mean and u might think it strange that i take comfort in such silly words from my bestest friend of over a decade.. but hey, i did warn you bout the insecurity bit!

Oh and if you’re wondering what the original post was supposed to be bout, then you’ll just have to wait for that. though it probably won’t be as detailed and/or eloquent, coz my brain can barely hold in anything…

I’m happy for now!!

not sure…

You know how you just put off some things that you really don’t want to face!? Well, I’ve been doing that for like almost 2 months now for a call!!

Once I got my private (pilot) license, I wanted to call K’s mom and let her know too… but then I put it off for a couple of days coz K didn’t want her to know that we got it on the same day (too long/confusing a story for this post), so I decided to call her maybe a week later – once back from Chicago or something. And then the fight happened!

Well one of the first couple of nights in Chicago, we had all gone clubbing and something somewhere went really wrong and K blew up her fuses and we had a HUGE GIGANTIC fight. Anywho, during one of her rants, she tells me something about how her mom was right and how I am all fake and there’s something evil/bad that I hide under the whole nice facade and so on…

Now the thing is, I didn’t care that K had said that. But what hurt was that her mom (let’s call her KM) did! So why does that matter to me that my ex’s mom doesn’t/didn’t like me!?? Well, it doesnt! It matters to me that KM didn’t. Lend me an ear, for I am going to take you on one of my random story-building rants once again…

I don’t really have the strongest bond with my family. I’m not proud of it, but I also know that there’s nothing really that I can do about it. I just don’t care about my parents or my brothers as much as most people would (left my sis out, cos i like her decently enough ). And its not like I haven’t tried.. there just isn’t anything there!

And that is probably why my friends really matter to me. It’s probably why I’d do absolutely ANYTHING for my bestest of friends – C, G & S – and why I’ve gone the extra mile when i’ve needed to, to keep them in my life! And then came along K… though initially reluctant to let her in to my innermost circle, I did – and I don’t regret that at all. But what hadn’t ever happened before with any of C, G or S happened with K. I moved from liking/loving her family to caring for them the way I should my own! And honestly, that scared me even when things between K and me were fine, but it also felt really really good… and I loved being with K all the more for that – for having a family!

So, it really did hurt knowing that KM thought what she did. Anywho, since then, even though a few times I’ve decided to bite the bullet and call her inspite of everything, I somehow can’t get myself to doing it (once I even dialed the number and then chickened out!). And today was just another of those days where I
had thought of finally doing the deed, but i think i’ll wait for another day when i’m feeling a little more courageous